Friday, November 5, 2010

Blog Challenge. Day 4.

Wow, guys! Talk about squeezing Day 4 in! But I am still getting it in before the stroke of midnight. So all is well.

Day 4: A habit that you wish you didn't have.

I suppose I have plenty of bad habits I should work on breaking. So it was hard for me to pick the one habit I should write about. But there is one habit that I really wish would go away and leave me alone. I bite my lips until they are raw, I get distracted easily, I misplace my car keys constantly, I have horrible sleeping habits which consist of. . .not sleeping. But the one habit I really wished I didn't have is this:

I want to stop beating myself up.

It is absolutely true when people say that YOU ARE YOUR WORST CRITIQUE. Well, it is absolutely true for me. I think it is important to push yourself and want to be a better person than you were yesterday. Vital actually. But I don't believe it is healthy when nothing you do feels good enough. I would know because I am a personal witness to this.

I am a very competitive person. Sometimes too competitive. I can turn into a brat and yell at people actually. My senior year at state volleyball, I actually received a big, fat yellow card from the ref as a gift. Right after our team received the State Sportsmanship Award. How ironic. A lady after asked if I got the yellow card and I told her yes. She was in shock.

"I thought there was no way it could actually be you that got the yellow card. You are too nice."

Well, I tricked you. Give me a ball and tell me to win. . .and it's no more Miss Nice Girl.

I think of countless times during my track career. Practicing for hours. My coaches would force me to go home. Telling me I was going to wear myself out. I remember wanting to improve my long jump so bad. Sometimes I did this horrible thing of doing full out jumping practice the day before a meet. My mom would help me measure and rake the pit. That poor lady. I would get so frustrated. I would yell. My mom would tell me I was tired and we should leave. But we didn't leave. And then I never jumped as well in the meet. Served me right. If I took second in a hurdle race, my coaches didn't even want to talk to me. They told me to walk it off. And that I did.

Now that I am not playing sports, beating myself up is carrying over to every day life. Not so good. I have so many goals that I want to accomplish in my life. Some of them seem bigger than life itself, and I wonder if I am actually capable enough. I believe deep down that I am indeed awesome enough to do all these things I wish to do. But I doubt if I can make other people believe. I figure in others' eyes I am this word I hate:


Such an ugly word. Then I start telling myself maybe I am that ugly word.

I had the amazing chance of going to a concert tonight. I don't know if you've ever heard of Mindy Gledhill, but if you haven't, check out her music. It is some of the happiest stuff that has ever entered my ears. She has a song called "All About Your Heart". The song itself is amazing, but the story behind it is even more amazing. She wrote it for one of her high school friends. This friend of hers was in an airplane crash. . . She survived. She and her husband both lived. But she is now very deformed. But she still finds ways to be happy and appreciate the smallest things in life. Hearing this story and then listening closely to the song, made me realize that I am good enough. And I need to start believing that I am good enough every single day. Yes, I should still work hard and make improvements, but I should never beat myself up. There are enough people out in the world that can beat on my confidence for me. The last thing I need to do is contribute. All that matters is what my heart is all about. So no more of this beating myself up. It is time to begin building myself up.

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