Saturday, July 30, 2011
When I was a little girl of Primary class age, I remember being taught all about the temple and how we should strive to get married there someday. At the time, this thought upset me. I wanted to get married under a weeping willow tree. I probably watched Disney's Pocahontas one too many times. I imagine that is where the weeping willow tree idea came from. But it is what I wanted. But at the time, I also thought I wanted to be a dog. I was a confused child.
As I grew older and a little bit wiser, I developed a better understanding of just how important and essential the temple is. I soon had a temple marriage at the top of my priority list. I knew I would never consider anything else. A weeping willow tree wouldn't even tempt me.
I cannot even put into words how it feels as we draw to the end of this engagement and my goal is in very near sight. I am excited, but a calm sort of excited. I suppose the best way to explain it, is that I feel at peace. I feel at peace because I know what I'm doing is right, and nothing makes me feel happier than when I know I'm in the right place with my life.
I love the gospel, my family, and Brian. And I have a feeling the next six days will buzz past. I'll be in that gown of white (actually it's ivory) in no time.
Forgive me for my small religious post, but like the title says, this is a very happy thing. And of great importance to me. The most important.
Friday, July 29, 2011
This certain coach was the one to drive the three of us down to Provo and back. Since it's not exactly a short drive, some of these life talks obviously came up. The one he had chosen for this specific trip was about marriage. At the time, I wanted to hear nothing of the sort and tried to disregard everything he said. He did, however, tell me I'd probably marry a good-looking jock who would later turn into a fat, lazy man that wore overalls. I guess that says a lot about me, huh? But looks like I changed my ways and I'm actually not marrying stinky overall man. I'm marrying a man in a business suit and he is absolutely not lazy. And not a jock either. Thank goodness I got over high school. Coach said a lot of other nonsense involving marriage too, which I don't much remember. However, one thing he said stuck with me. And not because at the time, I thought it was some way profound bit of information. It most likely stuck with me because at the time, I thought it was absolutely disgusting. This is what he said. . .
"Girls, you want to know what love is? I'll tell you what love really is. Love is when your wife wakes up in the middle of the night sick and pukes all over you. And instead of being grossed out and angry, you know what you do? You get out of bed, even though you're tired and covered in puke, and you put her in the bathtub and change the sheets. Now that is when you know it's love."
* * * *
I trudge down the steep hill, back to my apartment. A cool summer breeze finds its way through my short hair and kisses the nape of my neck. It is now the first bit of summer vacation. Brian and I are still dating. Both of us stayed in Logan for the summer. Not only that, but we ended up being next door neighbors. And when I say next door neighbors, I mean we can yell through the wall at each other. We both have full-time jobs. We work a lot and when we're not working, we play a lot. Usually together. In the mornings, before I go to work, I usually knock on his bedroom window and climb through it so I can say good morning before I leave for the day. I like climbing through the window since I feel like that is much more exciting than walking through the backdoor. It's the best kind of summer I could ever imagine.
However, this day has not been the greatest kind of day. I love my summer job, but today it was hard. My job is fun but not always the easiest. Not only was work rough today, but my cousins are in town. And when I say my cousins are in town, that's code for I'm on my period. The period is not a nice thing to me. If you don't believe me, read this little post. When I reach my apartment, I unlock the door and collapse on the couch. After having a couple hours of alone time, Brian calls me announcing he wants to cheer me up. Just hearing that seems to cheer my high estrogen leveled spirits right up. Of course, he makes me dinner, which is something he often does. It is, as always, delicious. After the lovely dinner, he tells me like an excited little boy that he has a surprise for me.
"Go put on some warm clothes. I'm taking you in the mountains to go star gazing."
I jump up and down with joy. Stars are one of my very favorite things of summer. Stars, fireworks, jumping in water, and rodeos. Whenever I need time just to think, I like going outside and sitting under the stars. I could sit under those sweet twinkling things for hours. That's my favorite place to talk to God. I like the feeling of talking to Him while I stare into the sky He created rather than being bent over my bed. But either way is fine, really. But Brian knows how I feel about the stars. And that's what I really adore about Brian. The way he notices the small things for what they really are; important things.
I do as I'm told and change into warm clothes. Running tights, sweats, long socks, long sleeved shirt, hoody, hat. . .how is that for warm? I change my tampon and also put on a pad, just for good measure, and we set off for the mountains in little Danger Ranger (Brian's truck who is no longer with us). Finally, we reach the spot that Brian had in mind and it is beautiful. It overlooks all of Cache Valley and I realize what a quaint and precious, little valley it really is.
Brian has formed a comfy mound of blankets in the bed of his truck. We settle in and my heart feels content. Blankets covering me, Brian's arms around me, Cache Valley below me, and stars above me. Now that is a recipe for happiness. I feel so overwhelmed by the happiness that it must exhaust me, causing me to drift off into a pleasant sleep.
* * * *
I pull myself awake and take a minute to remember where I am. Brian must have faded off too, but I have caused him to wake up with my sudden movements. Something really doesn't feel right. I quickly realize what that something is. My tampon has leaked through. My vicious period has really attacked me while I was sleeping. I slowly reach my hand to the bum of my sweats where I can feel a rather large damp spot. Oh no.
I've created a mess. Brian looks around with a puzzled look on his face, probably because of the alarm on my face. "Kelsey, is everything alright? We fell asleep."
"How long has it been," I spit the words out rather quickly.
"Oh, not too long. Maybe twenty minutes."
"We have to go! Right now!"
Brian reaches for me and tries to calm me down, "Kels, don't worry. I'm sorry we fell asleep but nothing happened. ."
"No. Brian, it's not that."
I realize I will soon have to break the humiliating news to him. That I'm not a cute girl, but a big bloody mess. I wonder how he'll take it. I wonder if he'll be disgusted. I even wonder if this will push him to break up with me. And that's when I feel it. The burning sensation in my throat. The anger building up inside of me. The tears that begin to swell in my eyes. I am going to cry. It is way too late to choke it back.
"My period--" yep, the tears suddenly come pouring down my face.
Brian is confused as to why I'm crying and I can tell he wants to help me in some way. So I stand up and turn around, so he can see what is now basically impossible for me to spit out. Between sniffles I say, "I'm sorry, Brian. I don't think I got it on any of the blankets. I'm so sorry. I am so embarrassed." I don't know how Brian will react, but he does by pulling me into a comforting hug and tells me to try to sit comfortably while he folds the blankets. It is almost impossible to sit comfortably with the mess I'm in, but I try. I hate periods. I hate being a girl sometimes. And I hate being emotional.
* * * *
We get back to my apartment and luckily none of my roommates are around. The less people to see what a wreck I am, the better. I tell Brian to go home.
"I'm not going to leave you like this. You're obviously upset," he pauses, "I just want to help you."
I burst out in tears once again, "You do? You want to help me? You don't think I'm disgusting?"
Brian gently runs his hand through my disheveled hair, "No, I do not. I feel really sad for you, Kelsey, that you're feeling so bad."
I look up into his understanding eyes, "So you aren't going to dump me then?"
Brian actually starts laughing. Once he can control his laughter he says, "No! Why would you ask me that?"
"I am really embarrassed. I thought you'd dump me because I bled everywhere."
Brian lets out another laugh, softer this time, "Kelsey, you're a girl. Girls have periods. And I respect you all so much for having them every month because I could never do that."
Where did I find this guy? Seriously?
"I am not going to dump you over something that is a part of nature. I'm not some immature guy that is going to pretend that periods don't really happen."
"So. . .you won't dump me?"
"No," Brian says with a smile.
"Um, will you go get pads with me then after I shower?"
"Yes. I will drive you there, my dear."
I turn and walk into the bathroom. I get in the shower and let the water wash my body clean. The whole time, I moan and cry because, well, I'm an emotional person right now and because I have such a nice and understanding boyfriend.
* * * *
We go to Wal-Mart, since it's the only place still opened, and Brian leads me to the womanly supply section, since I don't know my way around Wal-Mart. I have finally stopped my crying and now I'm just being irrational. So irrational that I walk straight toward a shelf full of depends and take a pack of them into my arms. "I'm buying these to wear to bed. That way, I will never leak through."
Brian pulls the depends away from me and sets them back on the shelf. "Kelsey, I will not let you wear adult diapers."
Instead, Brian finds a pack of nighttime pads, and after trying to fight him on the depends, I finally give in and purchase the nighttime pads. Brian also purchases a pack of swiss cake rolls from the bakery. He eats one. I eat all the rest of them. Brian even encourages it.
* * * *
When I finally nestle myself in bed that night, squeaky clean and exhausted from all the crying, I realize once again just how great Brian is. I think back on the events that have just happened and how Brian responded to them. I guess I just gave Brian the ultimate boyfriend test, and he passed in flying colors. I guess he even gets bonus points for stopping me from buying adult diapers. What a low moment in my life.
Randomly, I think back on the talk that Coach gave us nearly two years prior. The time he taught us about barf and love. I thought he was just being gross at the time. But now I realize, what he said was, maybe gross, yet true. Life is not always good hair days, sunshine, and a box of chocolates. On occasion, it's getting sick, getting in arguments, disappointments, and menstrual cycles. And love is being able to get through all those bumps in the road together. . .and still liking each other afterwards. Because all the wonderful and happy things, it's easy to love someone through all of that.
As my eyes begin to flutter and sleep is upon me, I realize this and maybe wonder if Brian loves me. Because I think I love him. I wouldn't mind at all going through both the happy and the hard things together.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
- Sometimes I really am not a fan of technology. And yesterday, I started pondering about how I am using many forms of technology that my parents didn't even have at my age. And then my imagination got a bit carried away. Remember back in 1964? Well, I wasn't alive yet so I don't actually remember it. But in the year 1964, the Surgeon General came out and announced that smoking could be harmful. Back, then everybody smoked. Pregnant ladies probably even smoked. They probably smoked in hospitals. And then everybody got a little older and people started getting lung cancer and plopped over dead. So what my imagination got to thinking is what if the side effects of technology use somewhere down the road are negative? What if we all get eye diseases and go blind from staring at our cell phone screens so often? What if we get major arthritis from all the typing at the computer? It's a scary risk, people.
- I am a tiny bit bitter that summer is almost to an end. Because quite frankly, I don't feel like I've really had a summer vacation. The last few months of my life have been awkward, confusing, and stressful. I have basically been living out of a suitcase and often times have felt like I don't belong anywhere. At times, I have wanted to blame this on someone and found myself angry that there is absolutely no one to blame. That's just life sometimes. I guess you have to have one crap summer at some point in your life. And I guess this was the summer. And it really hasn't been too bad. All in all. My poor brother had his leg in a cast all last summer. Now that would be the summer from hell. So I shouldn't complain. And even though this summer hasn't been as carefree as I may have hoped, it has had its moments. There have been moments of pure bliss and perfection. Moments where my heart is so content and I think to myself, "The world is a beautiful place. And my life is growing more and more beautiful by the minute." Kind of like that time in the day during the summer when the sun is just dropping behind the mountain. When it sets so it can rise again in the morning to do its job melting ice cream bars and kissing the skin of barefooted children. And as the sun reaches that certain point on the mountain, the whole world seems to catch fire. Everything has a gold tint to it for a short while, and then shadows begin to creep in. Summer dusk. I have indeed had my moments of summer dusk.
- I already want it to be Friday so badly. Because then it will only be a week until I get to keep Brian forever. And I can handle waiting a week.
- I am afraid of growing up at times. I hate watching everyone around me grow older and go separate ways. But I know that is how it is meant to happen. Life is about progression. However, I still daydream of the days when I lived next to my grandparents and would run through Grandpa's alfalfa fields, singing songs I made up. I had the world at my fingertips. The only thing that could ever hurt me was an occasional scrape on the knee.
- I have been thinking a lot lately about God. And my relationship with Him. Maybe it is because of the point I'm at in life. Getting married here soon and all. I know I'm not perfect and I know I can be a lazy slacker when it comes to many of the simple things I'm supposed to be doing. However, I am so grateful I have a relationship with Him. I'm so grateful I know He is there. Because quite frankly, I don't know how people get through a single day in life not relying on Him. I am so happy to wake up each day knowing I have a purpose and striving for that purpose.
Sorry for the slightly deep mushiness of some of my truths. But I have to tell the truth. Those that know me best know I'm a terrible liar.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Always awkward. Trying to establish what to call yourselves. Are you a couple? Are you not a couple? Do you WANT to be a couple? Or do you kinda not want it?
I have probably been a pain in the neck to more than one boy when it came to the DTR. Brian Weller being one of them.
Actually, Brian Weller is the first boy to successfully carry out the DTR with me. Looks like he'll be my last too. Whew, glad I've put that DTR bogus behind me.
For those of you who don't know the 'lingo', DTR stands for defining the relationship.
I still remember the day that mine and Brian's DTR happened. It was on Presidents' Day. Year 2010. So long ago :). We had the day off from school. So Brian and I celebrated together that evening. We went to a movie. At that beautiful gem of a cheap theater (tickets for $3? I think yes!). After the movie ended, we were cracking lame jokes as we walked through the cold to Brian's truck. The cold air nipped at my nose and seemed to freeze my lungs with every intake of breath. We continued cracking lame jokes even as Brian started driving away. Then when we hit a red light at an intersection. . .well, that is when the lame jokes ended and the awkward pause started.
* * * *
What is happening? Brian is staring way too intensely at that red light. I am actually afraid that maybe it will blind him. Could staring at street lights blind you? Injure your eyes at least a little bit? If so, Brian is in deep danger. I feel something in the air. An air of seriousness. And I don't know quite what that could mean.
Brian and I have been going out consistently now for about a month. The kisses goodnight (and a few in between) have continued. The texting is more frequent. Almost constant, to be honest. And Brian has now witnessed several of my spaz outs, something I keep very hidden from most boys I crush on. So pretty much, he has been shown first-hand that I am strange and maybe slightly crazy. One of these spaz outs involved me pinning him to the ground in my apartment for a solid hour and chicken pecking him (remember, I was on USU's track team at the time, working out about 40 hours a week. I was tough.), and another one involved me chest bumping him right into the vegetable stand at the grocery store. Don't worry, it was just Wal-Mart. That is probably one of the classier acts that has taken place in that dirty store.
So I have been playing with the idea that this air of seriousness might make its way between me and Brian at some point. I figured the result would be either him wanting me to be his girlfriend or him telling me he's just not that interested. I don't know how I'll respond to either.
Finally, Brian speaks. He is still staring into that darn red light.
"Kels, I've been thinking. . ."
Ah man, the boy has been thinking. Never good.
Suddenly, he turns and looks at me. He looks at me more seriously than he ever has.
"Kelsey Keller, I don't want to play games any more. I really like you."
I feel as if my body is sinking into the truck seat. Luckily, the green light saves me some time.
Brian makes the left turn and then is ready to continue with the conversation.
"Um, alright," I say, "I really like you too. That's nice. We like each other."
Gosh, I sound so stupid.
I realize I am sitting up very straight. Which is common for me. I am a girl of good posture. But when I am nervous, I tend to sit up extra straight.
I quickly go through all the possible ideas in my head to change the subject.
I could talk about an actor in the movie we just saw.
I could talk about the rapid divorce rate and why he thinks marriages seem to be failing left and right.
I could ask him who his favorite US President is, since it is Presidents' Day and all.
I decide on a topic and quickly change the subject away from our. . .relationship. It is totally obvious what I am doing and I can tell Brian is slightly irritated, but he goes with it. Maybe just to entertain me. However, I know he hasn't given up yet.
* * * *
We hurry inside my apartment to escape the bitter cold air outdoors. I feel the warmth in my college home quickly wrap around me and I can begin to feel my nose again. I glance at Brian and know that he is adamant on discussing what he'd wanted to discuss earlier. He must have decided to not beat around the bush because the next thing he says is,
"Kelsey, I want to date you."
"Well, what did we just do? I thought we went on a date."
Brian shakes his head, "Well. . .yeah. . .but. . .I want to date you and only you."
My eyes are wide open. I feel like I can't blink. I glance around the room, looking for some place to escape.
Brian is looking at me like a parent would look at a scared child.
"Kelsey, what are you thinking?"
What am I thinking? How do I put my thoughts into words? Instead of answering his question I say probably louder than is necessary,
"So you want me to be your girlfriend? Is that what we're getting at here?"
Brian suddenly lets out a laugh of surprise and answers with a, "Yes. That's what I want."
I stick my lip out for a moment and then reply, "I'll have to think about it."
The smile crumbles off Brian's face and I know I've just hurt him. And knowing that makes me hurt. Brian tries to smile again and says,
"Alright. I'll give you time to think about it. And you just let me know, k?"
The way he says it is so kind and gentle. And I feel like a total loser that someone as nice as him would even consider wanting to be my boyfriend. He gives me a soft and sweet kiss on the cheek and walks out the door.
Suddenly, Shayla walks into the living room with her arms folded across her chest. I drop myself onto the couch and let out an exhausted sigh.
"I really like Brian. He treats you great, Kels."
"I know, I know." I pause, "Did you hear that whole conversation?"
Shayla nods her head and asks, "What's stopping you?"
I slump further down into the couch, "I'm scared."
Shayla just looks at me, waiting for further explanation.
"This is college, Shayla. He is a returned missionary. Being in a relationship in college to a returned missionary is not just fun and games. It's not like high school. Relationships in college actually. . .go somewhere."
The room is silent for a moment until Shayla says, "Do you like him or not?"
"I like him a lot," and it is the first sincere and enthusiastic thing I've said for a while.
Shayla shrugs, "Then why not give it a shot?"
I smile and rush to send Brian a text that says, COME BACK!
Several minutes later, Brian walks through the door and back in our cozy living room. We both take a seat on the couch. Before I find the right words to say, Brian starts to speak.
"Kelsey, I want to be patient but this really isn't fair. I don't want to play these dumb games anymore. I just want. . ."
I quickly cut him off, "I decided I want to try it!"
Brian pauses and gives me a bewildered look. "Huh?"
"Let's date! I'll be your girlfriend. You be my boyfriend. Does that work for you?"
Brian grabs my face and kisses me.
I guess that means it works for him.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I walk across the sidewalk which is covered with a fresh layer of snow. I look behind and see only the prints my boots have left behind. My footprints alone and nothing else. Alone. Maybe that is just how I should be. Then there is no confusion and no heartbreak. Fluffy, light snowflakes twirl around me through the air as if they are dancing for me. I manage to smile as I take in this beautiful winter afternoon.
It is Sunday, February 14th. The day known to mankind as Valentine's Day. However, for me, it will be just a boring Sunday evening alone. Shayla (my roommate) is gone and won't be back to the apartment until late.
I have been gone all weekend in Boise. At a track meet. Track seems to be consuming my life. Since the kiss with Brian, I have hardly seen him at all due to practice and weight training. Plus, I left for Boise halfway through the week. Maybe it is almost a blessing though that track created no time for Brian in the past week. Because I am not sure what I am feeling. Or maybe I am sure but I'm not sure he'll feel the same way back. As I think about it all over again, I start to feel queasy, as if I just finished the 800 meter dash. The track meet surprisingly went alright. I did fairly well in all my events for the pent at our indoor meet. And lucky for me, my mom, sisters, and aunt came up to watch me. They so kindly gave me a ride home as well. So instead of being completely alone on Valentine's Day, I was able to go to church with my family and eat lunch with them. Since I don't have an actual Valentine, the next best way to spend the day would be with my family. The people who will always love me. Brian had talked to me earlier in the week about Valentine's Day, but we basically bashed on the holiday and he told me he never had a real legit valentine. I told him I hadn't either. Speaking of Brian, he just sent me a text. I look down at the message which reads, "Are you back in Logan yet?"
That's a little creepy. Is he watching out the window for me or something?
"Yep. Just walking to the apartment actually."
I walk up the steps to my door as I fumble through my bag, in search of my apartment key.
There is something hanging from the doorknob!
I nearly drop the key I finally placed as I realize exactly what is hanging from the doorknob and who put it there. A smile spreads across my face and I don't bother trying to hide it. On the doorknob hangs a gift bag. The gift bag is covered with hearts. On the front of the gift bag is a pink envelope. Carefully drawn on the center of the envelope are block letters. Block letters that tell me it is only one certain person, because he is the only one that calls me K2. Brian left me a Valentine gift. Across the pink envelope that reads 'K2', there is a long stemmed, yellow rose.
I quickly unlock the door and carry my present to the kitchen table. My heart feels as if it is thumping in my throat. I always open cards first when I get a present so that's what I do. I gingerly open the top of the envelope and pull out a card with goofy-looking squirrels on it. Some of the squirrels are holding hearts and the card says something along the lines of, "I'm nuts about you, Valentine!" I open the card and see Brian's familiar handwriting in all caps. I begin reading:
I got you this card because A) It was one of the few cards left that wasn't just totally mushy. B) Squirrels are cool.
Since neither of us have ever really had a Valentine, I was thinking maybe we could try it. So will you be my Valentine? Also, I was thinking with the gift you could make a special Valentine cake. The only catch? You can't make it without me.
I am suddenly tearing through tissue paper. Pink and white tissue paper flying wildly through my kitchen. I pull out the contents of the bag and suddenly Brian's card makes perfect sense.
A cake mix and various kinds of frosting. I will not be spending my evening alone. I will be making a cake with Brian.
Brian, my Valentine.
I don't even bother to text or call Brian. I just scoop up the contents of the bag, leaving tissue paper scattered everywhere, and run through the snow and next door. When I ring the doorbell, that familiar smile and blonde head greet me as Brian pulls open the door.
"Wanna make a cake?"
Maybe the enthusiasm in my voice was a little over-the-top. But Brian just smiles even bigger and his crystal blue eyes flicker as he pulls me inside.
"I've been so excited waiting for you to get home! And nervous."
"Well. . .I didn't know how you'd respond to my gift."
I pause and then say, "It was a wonderful surprise to come home to. Thank you."
We begin baking our cake and Brian asks me all about the track meet. And I tell him. We frost the cake and create our own conversation hearts out of the colorful frosting. There is not one awkward moment. The night is filled with conversation. I realize how much fun Brian is. And just how much we click. And when I start doing and saying strange things in a sort of humor few can appreciate, Brian gets it and he laughs at me. I realize I don't know what will become of Brian and I, but I absolutely know that I for sure want to stay friends for a very long time. But for now, I'll just think about tonight and enjoy having him as my very own Valentine.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Brian Weller took me out on a second date. Just as I predicted.
And a third.
And we took turns watching movies at each other's apartments.
And we cuddled while watching those movies.
And sometimes we stayed up into the wee hours of the morning talking.
And he also took plenty of time to play his guitar to me.
But still no kiss. I found myself wondering what was wrong. Sometimes I even found myself slightly irritated with Brian for not being a man and kissing me. But now I know he was only patiently waiting. Because he wanted this first kiss to really mean something.
I, being a headstrong girl, refused to be the one to kiss him. I was still trying to play games. Thinking that if I were the one to kiss him, it would appear too much like I wanted him. No, Brian would have to be the one to make the move. But I began growing weary, thinking that move would never be taken.
But the night arrived when the move was made. Just like a piece in a game of checkers. He patiently waited for the pieces to fall in place and then moved in to 'king me'.
* * * *
The movie ends and the credits begin rolling. I get up to move so I can turn the television off.
"I'll get it," Brian gently whispers. He quickly moves forward and nestles me carefully back onto the couch in a comfortable position. I can't help but let my lips curl up into a half smile. This silly boy seems to be so willing to do just about anything for me. I am not used to it. Being treated on so often. I usually don't like it, but something about the way Brian does it makes me not resist. Because he knows I am certainly capable, yet it seems to make him happy, to be able to do the kind and simple things for me. I really do slightly enjoy it.
After the tv is turned off, Brian scoops the guitar out of the corner and begins to play for me. I let my mind just wander off to a place within the music. A place where I don't worry about being accepted or not. A place that makes total sense. And every ounce of my body and soul seem to relax as Brian sings "I Melt" by Rascal Flatts and "Only One" by Yellowcard. I even let my eyelids drop closed until Brian's strumming stops. Then my eyes flutter open and I pull myself back to reality.
As the songs end, Shayla, one of my best friends and roommate, comes in from the kitchen to tell us she is going to bed early. Before she leaves the room, she gives me a knowing smile and quick wink. Shayla never goes to bed early. She will probably watch movies in her room late into the night just to give Brian and I some room. Bless that girl. She has a feeling the first kiss will happen tonight. And quite honestly, she could be right. I am trying to be pessimistic about it, telling myself it won't happen, but tonight Brian has been acting differently. I can sense something. Sometimes a girl just knows.
Brian puts the guitar away and then sits down next to me. I feel his arm find its way around my body. It feels nice. Just sitting here with him. He tells me stories about pranks he has pulled and in return I tell him some of my best prank stories.
"For a senior prank, me and some friends caught 4 raccoons and released them in the high school at night. Only the best part was that we painted numbers on their backs. We marked each raccoon with a 1, 2, 3, and a 5."
"Wait. . .so you skipped 4," I ask.
Brian smiles and nods his head.
I roll on the couch laughing. "So when they got the raccoons out, they were probably all pretty upset when they couldn't find raccoon number 4."
"Exactly," Brian says smiling from ear to ear.
We continue telling stories and such for about an hour, then the mood starts to change. Neither of us are so talkative anymore. And am I crazy or does Brian even seem slightly nervous? After a long pause, Brian moves in closer to me and whispers, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot," I whisper back.
"If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would it be?"
Oh great, he is setting me up. He wants me to say, I'd kiss you.
But I refuse to say that. Anything but that.
But then I know that after I answer the question, it would only make sense for me to ask for his answer to the same question. And I know exactly what he'll say if I don't give him the answer he's looking for.
I sit silent for what feels like several minutes, wondering what I should say.
"Yep. Anything," Brian replies.
"I'd learn to play the guitar better than you."
Brian chuckles, "Oh yeah?"
"Yep. That's what I'd do."
I turn and stare at the wall. I can feel Brian's eyes watching me. I know that it's my turn to ask. And after I ask, the kiss will come. The kiss that I've been waiting for. But this isn't how I wanted it to come. I wanted him to catch me off guard. I wanted the kiss to come out of nowhere. Not to be expected.
I glance over at him and nervously ask, "So. . .what would you do?"
Brian leans in toward me and softly says exactly what I had guessed.
"If I could do anything I wanted at this very moment, I would kiss you."
I sit and stare into his striking blue eyes, which stand out even more against his very blonde hair.
I just stare and don't say anything.
Finally Brian speaks again, "Would you let me?"
So maybe Brian didn't catch me off guard but I can at least still catch him off guard.
So I do.
"If you want to kiss me so bad, maybe you should just do it and see what happens."
So he does. He smiles a bit at my remark and then leans into me. His hand caresses my neck and his lips softly find their way to mine.
Adrenaline shoots through my body as I realize that this is the best first kiss I've ever had.
And that first kiss turns into a long string of kisses. A string of absolute perfect kisses that leave me feeling calm, yet very alive. When Brian pulls away, I find myself not wanting him to stop. But I know he's right when he says, "We should probably call it a night."
I walk him to my door, still feeling a bit lightheaded from all the kisses. He gently gives me another kiss before he leaves and says, "Good night, Kelsey Keller."
I go to bed that night feeling like the happiest girl alive. And the last thing I see before my eyes close is a text from Brian saying,
Thanks for letting me be with you tonight. And thanks for letting me kiss you :).
* * * *
My phone begins vibrating. Someone is calling me. I look to see who it is.
It is not Brian.
It's the other boy.
I pause for a moment, not knowing what to think or feel. And then I reluctantly answer. We haven't talked in weeks. Brian has definitely been a distraction from this 'other boy'.
"Kelsey! I've missed you. Could I come over in like twenty minutes?"
My stomach lurches. What do I do in this situation? There is a part of me that really wants to see this boy though. I really need to just let him go all together. We both know that a relationship would not work for the two of us. So by being with him I am wasting time. Harsh, but true. But the endless ups and downs, the way I go from hating him to being incredibly attracted to him, all of this makes me go back to him every time. Despite what a waste it is.
"Sure, come over!"
For the next twenty minutes, I pace the living room. I'm a nervous wreck. Less than 24 hours ago, I kissed Brian. And it really meant something. To me at least. And I think it meant something to him. And now I'll probably turn around and kiss another boy the very next night. Classy.
There is a knock on the door. I notice my palms are sweaty. I wipe them against my pants and start toward the door. I pull the door open and let him in. He smiles slyly at me and immediately starts putting the moves on me. You wouldn't have ever guessed that we hadn't spoken in weeks by the way he's acting. He playfully pushes me onto my bean bag chair and laughs. I don't find it funny and I'm actually pretty irritated with how he's acting. He sits down next to me.
I look at him and think of how smooth he is. How incredibly smooth and I think of all the girls he has wrapped around his finger. And maybe I'm even one of them. That's when I realize not only is he smooth, but he is very selfish. Selfish and arrogant. And lazy. His poor wife will surely be the one that puts food on the table someday. She'll work and he'll play golf. A match made in heaven. And I know without a doubt that I'm not his match.
Before I know it, he's moving in to kiss me. I feel totally uneasy. Yet I can't help but be tempted to kiss him back. So I do. I kiss him back. And at first, I feel sick.
And after the sick feeling passes, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's the most hollow feeling ever. I decide to keep kissing him to see if anything will change. To see if any sparks will start flying. But they don't.
And all I can think about is Brian. I think about how much better it feels to kiss Brian. I think about how I just want to be with Brian. I think about how sincere Brian is. And then I just want Brian. I want this boy to leave right now and I want Brian to come over instead.
I guess all my thoughts about Brian are really affecting my kissing because the other boy pulls away and gives me a confused look.
"Is everything alright? You don't seem too into kissing me right now."
I pull myself away from him and sit Indian-style. I stare at the floor, searching for the right words to say to him. But in these kinds of situations, rarely do I use the right words. So after pondering on what to say, I decide on saying,
"I don't want to like you anymore."
I do not move my gaze from the floor, but I can still sense that what I've just said has taken him aback, maybe even offended him. The room is full of awkward silence for several minutes but I force myself to not move a muscle. I can sense that he is now growing angry. Angry at me because he has been denied, and he's not used to that.
"Fine. Stop liking me then."
I force myself to look at him but he is already getting up to leave.
"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm just being honest."
He lets out an irritated laugh,
"Kelsey, you can't hurt my feelings. We both knew this would never work out between us. You're way too liberal of a girl for me."
If too liberal means that I actually think for myself, then yeah, I'm much too liberal for him. He can find some other girl to fall at his feet and worship him. One that will do exactly as she's told.
I crawl in bed feeling bitter toward men and tell myself that I'll never get married. But in the back of my mind, I think of Brian and kinda hope that he likes 'liberal' girls like me.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Today I realized that some days, it is perfectly alright to cry when you're feeling a little bit blue.
I also realized it is perfectly alright to shed those tears in the presence of another human being.
And it is perfectly alright to let that human being set your head in her lap while she soothingly plays with your hair to comfort you and make the tears stop. Either that or let you know it's perfectly alright to let those tears out.
And I realized it is perfectly alright to eat three candy bars in one sitting and not feel guilty about it.
I realized it is perfectly alright to walk around the empty apartment with hardly any clothes on because it is one of the few, if not the only, benefits of being home alone.
I realized it is perfectly alright to not act tough all the time.
I realized it is perfectly alright to miss someone you love.
And I realized maybe it is perfectly alright to be apart from the one you love.
Because I'm beginning to believe that what they say is true, about distance making the heart grow fonder.
I want to thank my lovely cousin, Megan, for reminding me that I am perfectly alright.
Everything will work out just perfect.
And I'm alright with that.
I am blessed.
Friday, July 1, 2011
I check my phone and realize we've spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to pick out our t-shirts. Granted, we have gotten quite distracted in the time that we have been here. I tend to usually get distracted in stores, but not when I am on dates. When I'm on a date, I'm on a mission. It is unusual how normal I seem to feel being with Brian. Like he is just one of my guy friends. But then again, I'm attracted to him. I find myself staring at his perfect white teeth and suddenly I'm in a daydream, wondering how it would feel to kiss him. I want to plant a kiss on those perfect white teeth I'm staring at.
"Kels, will you please help me? Kels?"
I pull myself out of the daydream and back to reality. Brian is going through a rack of men t's and laughing at me. "You okay there?"
"Yeah, I'm good. I was just thinking for a minute is all."
"Hm, thinking about what?"
"Nothing," I quickly reply and start digging through the t-shirts.
I was just thinking about kissing you is all. How pathetic. I start scolding myself at the thought of thinking such things on a first date. I need to up my game here. I can't kiss the guy on his first date. What is my problem?
Confused about what I'm feeling, what I want to feel, what I don't want to feel.
That is my problem.
"How about this one?"
I pull out a navy colored v-neck.
Brian lets out a loud laugh. I like how much he laughs, it's nice. But after he stops laughing he replies, "I don't think so."
"Why not? Are you implying that I don't have good taste in fashion?"
"Oh no. You have very good taste in fashion. Very good. V-necks just aren't really my thing."
"Okay. And why are they not really your thing?"
"Well, I don't want to label people at all. But I just know a lot of guys who are real jerks and they all wear v-necks. I don't want to come across. . .like that."
"Like what," I ask while wrinkling my nose.
My mind wanders to the other boy. The one I kiss sometimes. He wears v-necks. And designer jeans. But he can only afford to buy me a lousy taco at Taco Tuesday. And even then, he was upset when I got rice and beans and he had to pay extra for them.
I put the v-neck back on the rack and keep looking. I find another one I like. This one is red. I like it when guys wear red. And it has a pocket. Pockets on anything are always a bonus.
"I think you should get this one."
Brian again erupts with laughter while shaking his head. "No. No way."
I try to get irritated at how picky this boy is being but I can't help but smile.
"And what's the problem now?"
"It has a pocket," he says, while pointing at it like it's repulsive.
Brian comes in close to me and laughs in my ear. He gently takes the shirt from my hands. "I know you think I'm a bit of a nerd but I really don't need a shirt with a pocket on it."
I can't help but laugh. "Pockets are very convenient. You can put stuff in it."
"Psh, yeah. Like pens and my calculator?"
"No. . .like other stuff. Spare change," I tear the shirt back from his hands and hold it in my arms. "I think you have some misconceptions about t-shirts with pockets."
"I do not. I just don't want to look like a nerd with a pocket. Or a preppy kid with a v-neck."
I hang the red shirt back on the rack and stare Brian down, "You seem to worry a lot about what other people think of you."
I am surprised when Brian gives me an endearing little smile. He leans back in to me and whispers in my ear, "But you don't worry what people think at all. Do you, Kels?"
I feel my cheeks start to burn and pull away.
"You're like a girl."
Brian chuckles, "What do you mean by that exactly?"
"You are so picky. It wasn't this difficult for me to find a shirt."
I stare down at my teal colored v-neck. I feel I made a good choice.
I look back up to find Brian looking at me. But he isn't just looking at me. I feel like he is trying to look inside of me, read all my thoughts. He is trying to break through the wall I have so carefully constructed.
I suddenly feel strange. Like I am extremely exposed.
"You are hard to read."
"And what exactly do you mean by that?"
"You're hard to read. I have most girls figured out by this point. Not you though. You're confusing."
Very honest of him to admit. I feel a smile creep across my lips. I am starting to like this Brian Weller way too fast for my own good.
Brian finally decides on a maroon t-shirt. No v-necks and no pockets. But I like maroon, so it works. After the shirts are purchased, we head back to his apartment to do the bleaching. We had already eaten before our trip to the store and I was pleasantly surprised with the mysterious Indian place within the gas station. The walls of the place were painted with different scenes from India. I loved it. As we tore off pieces of flat bread and ate meats full of strange spices, I had rambled on to Brian about how I would love to go to India and how it might just be the next place to go on my list.
"Where was the first place?"
"Huh?" I was confused.
"You said India is the next place on your list. Like you've already been somewhere that was on your list."
I told him about Ethiopia. Reluctantly at first, since I always worry about bothering people with the talk of it all, but he acted sincerely interested. So then I had poured my heart out to him. About all the things I saw in Ethiopia, both good and bad. All the things I had been doing since I got home. And how badly I wanted to go back.
* * * *
Brian brings markers out so we can draw on the shirts before we bleach them. If we so wish. I have no idea what to draw on the shirt. This probably wouldn't be so difficult if it weren't his shirt I was creating.
Brian seems to be a little stuck as well. I look at him and see him focusing very hard.
"What are you thinking about over there?"
Brian picks up a marker and smiles, "I was just wondering what songs you'll be putting on my mix cd."
I am still mad that he fooled me with that card trick from earlier. But I am excited to make him a cd. I have actually already thought of some songs I know I want to put on it.
Brian pulls the lid off the marker and begins drawing. He writes the word JUGADORA in big block letters on the back of the shirt.
"What does that mean? I'm guessing it's Spanish?"
"Yep," Brian says proudly, "it means player."
"Yeah, player. I know how you are. You're a total player. I can tell."
I let out a laugh, "Whatever."
"I bet you kiss guys all the time. Lead them on, kiss them, and break their hearts."
"Brian, I do not!"
He just starts laughing. Then he asks me to tell my most awkward kiss story. I know exactly what story to tell. I don't have very many awkward kiss stories, but this one I have is extremely awkward. I tell the story and get plenty of laughs out of Brian. Basically the boy had tried to plan out a cute way to kiss me and I accidentally sabotaged it. Terribly.
As I end the story, I find myself telling Brian that I don't like it when boys try to plan out how they'll kiss the girl.
"Really? I thought most girls loved that."
"Not me," I reply. "I feel like it ruins it. Half the fun of the kiss is the spontaneity. I want it to be in the moment. If you want to kiss me, then kiss me. But don't try to plan it out."
Oh no. Why am I telling him all this?
But he just smiles that familiar smile and says, "Well, I better call and cancel the band."
"The band? What band?"
"I'd arranged for a band to come as we got to your doorstep tonight. So they could begin playing as we passionately kissed goodnight."
I let out a really loud laugh and almost find myself wishing I could hear the trumpets in the background.
Brian begins writing something else on the front of the shirt down towards the bottom. It is a K2. As in K raised to the second power.
"I think I'll call you K squared. It's your new nickname. I just realized that your initials are K.K."
I rest my chin on my hands. "I like it."
"So are you gonna do anything to my shirt, or what?"
I look down at Brian's blank shirt. I have no idea what to draw on it but I have to put something. Especially after that K2 business.
I pull the lid off the marker and draw what is supposed to look like a pocket on the left side of the chest.
* * * *
After we have our shirts bleached, Brian walks me to my apartment building. Which is just the next building over from his. We walk up the steps and I turn to give him a hug. I find myself still wanting that kiss I daydreamed about earlier. But I can't. It's the first date.
Brian starts his walk back down the porch stairs when I hear my voice bring his steps to a stop. I hardly realize I'm talking.
"So where's the band?"
Brian turns and gives me that same endearing smile. "I told them to take a rain check."
Then he walks into the darkness.
I stand there a moment, wondering why my plan didn't work. I basically gave him the open opportunity to kiss me and I have been denied. I don't know how I should feel. I unlock the front door and walk inside. As I shut the door behind me, a light goes on in my head.
He told them to take a rain check.
That means Brian Weller wants to take me out again. On a second date.
I feel on top of the world right now. What is causing me to feel this way?
Well, almost every day I get a package in the mail for something associated with the wedding. Whether it is old fashioned candy, colored lanterns, or my beautiful handmade headpiece I plan on wearing in my hair.
It is Fourth of July weekend. My very favorite weekend of the year. Well, that and rodeo weekend at the end of July.
And Brian comes home TOMORROW! Just in time for most of the festivities.
I am also getting glitter toes done today with my friend Lauren, and I'm hitting up the fireworks tonight with my family.
Life is soooooo good.
Here are five other things that are making me feel a little more on top of the world.
Fun summer nails. Bright colors and glitter.
Adorable puppies that I just want to squish! My family got a new puppy. Her name is Star, since our other dog is Ringo. We are Beatles fanatics at this house. I wanted to name her Lucy, as in the song 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds'. But Star is a good name too. Ever since our three-legged dog, Rex disappeared, Ringo has been quite lonely. So now he has a new little friend.
This charm necklace I made. I am eager to wear it out in public. And the best part? See that cool owl face?
It opens and is actually a clock!
The fact that I brought this big bag home yesterday. There is a wonderful ivory dress inside covered in lace. And I can't stop looking at it and thinking about how I'll soon be wearing it as a bride. Crazy.
I already mentioned this, but it gets double recognition. The Fourth of July is upon us! That is something to be excited about! The Fourth is my second favorite holiday after Christmas. It is full of some of my very favorite things: patriotism, barbeques, parades, playing in the water, big gatherings of people, America, and fireworks. What more could I ask for? Seriously?
Happy weekend to all! Play with some sparklers and eat something deep fried. Or you're just not American.