Yesterday was a strange day. I was in a melancholy, reflective mood. I was also restless. This resulted in me entering my irrational behavior of worrying my life is over.
When this happens, I start worrying I'll suddenly wake up and be an old lady, on my death bed, all my dreams dead with me. I start worrying about every minute of my day wasted. I dwell on it. I obsess over it. I convince myself I must be a failure and I'm going to die a forgotten old hag.
And then I remember I'm only 21 years young. And when I begin thinking of the things I have accomplished during the course of those 21 years rather than dwelling on the things I have yet to do, I realize I've actually done quite a lot.
I blame a lot of how I felt yesterday on the fact that I'm a woman and it may have been my time of the month, and I also blame it on the fact that I was completely worn out after rafting in Jackson. These two things combined resulted in a very low key kind of day. And I think too many low key days make me depressed. I get kind of obsessed at times with staying busy. Ask my poor husband about it. I constantly have to be doing something. I'm constantly planning. Constantly scheming. Constantly taking on new ideas and projects. Constantly being active. Constantly wandering somewhere new. Constantly doing something. It's just the way I am. And I know it can be tiring for all those involved in my life. But if I don't keep myself busy, my mind spins and spins and I start worrying I'm wasting time. And the last thing I want to do is waste time.
So yesterday, I finally decided to pull myself out of my self-pity and do one little productive thing. So I went to the grocery store. I bought everything I would need to prepare a dinner for my pal that would make him proud to call me wife. I also bought a new shade of nail polish. Then I picked the line with my favorite grocer lady working. She was pleasant, as always, and asked what I was doing for fun that day. I told her nothing much, but I had just gotten home from rafting in Jackson Hole. Then we talked about river rafting. And that's when I realized I'm an idiot.
How dare I pity myself for thinking I am not leading an important enough life, now, at this very moment. I just went on a trip to Jackson Hole! I'm young! I have an awesome husband! I'm going into my final year of my college degree! I'm not afraid to use lots of exclamation points!
And I have lots of dreams. But I don't have to accomplish all of those dreams today. Otherwise, what would I do with the rest of my life? Die young, I guess. But I'd prefer to die old, I think.
I need to learn to be okay with sitting still sometimes. I need to learn to be okay with keeping my mind quiet. Being still is not bad. Actually, it may be something I really need. Someone just teach me how to do it, please? I think if I can learn to be still and quiet my mind, I may actually get to my dreams much more easily than by just chasing after them like a chicken with its head cut off.
I think being in the mountains, surrounded by both the calmness and wildness of nature quiets my mind the most. On Sunday, Brian and I took a drive up to Tony's Grove. We snacked on carrots and lounged on our quilt. We were able to just rest and chat and breathe in the cool mountain air. As I closed my eyes and focused on the smell of the pines and the warmth of the sun on my cheek, I felt inspired. I didn't feel rushed to get to the next thing. Instead, my mind slowed and I was able to let thoughts come to me rather than try to think up thoughts myself. It was nice. I think I'll do it again soon. But as for the pity party, like the one I had yesterday, I don't want to do that again anytime soon.
Ironically enough, my very favorite hymn is Be Still My Soul. Perhaps it would be a nice reminder for me to just be still a moment if I kept the lyrics in my pocket or somewhere close.