Day 28: A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
I have seriously changed so much in the past year. I believe it is a change for the better. I can honestly say, I am more in tune with myself and happy than ever before.
When I was in high school, I was happy. But I was sheltered, and a little arrogant at times. I will admit that I was very selfish. I was immature. I think I have grown up since then. Last year actually taught me how to grow up in many ways.
I came to Utah State University, thinking classes would be a breeze and that I would go out on all kinds of dates with cute, older men. I was on the track team, thinking it would be fun and I would love it. Well, what I thought would happen did not happen. I came to school and realized that I was just one girl out of thousands of other girls. I felt pretty pathetic. I came from Weston, ID thinking I was all that and a bag of chips, to a place where no one knew me or cared. Track was not fun. It was hard. I loved working out, but it was hard realizing I was not the athlete I thought I was. It was also hard being around people that did not always have the same standards as me.
I found myself drowning in hours of school work and track practice. I began to not care about myself as much as I had in the past. I quit getting ready. I always wore gym clothes. I was not outgoing. I ate hot pockets for dinner just about every night. I put on twenty pounds. Not of fat. . .I think most of it was muscle. For some reason, I bulked up a lot. I guess when you get in 40 hours of working out a week, that happens. Plus, I started eating double of what I use to. . .and I have always ate a lot. My cute pants did not fit over my legs anymore, so I mostly stuck to sweats. I felt sad.
I went home every single weekend. Not that home is bad. But I think it is unhealthy for a kid trying to get out on their own to run back home whenever they feel afraid or lonely. The weekends flew by, and I always dreaded going back to school on Monday, though I never told anyone that.
As time passed on, I wanted more and more to find myself. I just did not know how. I felt trapped. I found some boys to distract me, but that is all they were. . .distractions.
When indoor track season started in January, I was scared to death. I had never been scared when competing in a sport. Never. I found myself going to Boise almost every weekend for meets. I now hate that drive with a passion, by the way. I false started in a hurdle race. The first and only time I ever false started. It was the absolute worst feeling ever. I have never felt so awful. I would rather come in last place by two seconds than not get to run and wonder "what if". I walked off the track, my eyes burning. I rushed into the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and sobbed as quietly as I could. After false starting, I went back to track practice, determined to prove myself. I pushed myself in practice, doing better than many of the other girls. But no one seemed to notice or care. I didn't have a scholarship. I was a walk-on. A no one. I was so tired of being a no one. Later that month, at a meet in Boise, I called my mom up from my hotel room. I was in the room alone. I just wanted to hear my mom's voice. I told her I hated track. She tried to comfort me and I got mad. I always get mad right before I know I am going to cry. I tried choking the tears back, but they still came.
At the end of January, Brian happened. I found out he thought I was cute, so I figured maybe he could be another distraction. He was more than that though. We really connected. He planned fun dates. He spent money on me. Boys spent money on me in high school, but after coming to college, the only thing a boy had purchased for me was a dollar taco. I had been worth a lousy dollar taco. Brian acted like I was worth a lot more though. Weeks passed by and finally we had our first kiss. It was. . .awesome. The next night, I kissed one of my distraction boys, and I knew I was being an idiot. I told distraction boy I didn't want him anymore. From there on out, it was all Brian Weller.
I started doing things with friends more. I started getting dressed in the mornings. I started caring about other people, and I started caring about myself. I started taking risks. I walked into 'Dollar Cuts' one Saturday and chopped all my hair off, and it was so liberating. I finished track season, and made a firm decision that I was done with track for good. I began to notice all the simple, wonderful things in life.
Now it is a new year. I am almost twenty years old. Goodbye teenage years. Last year, I was a girl and now, I am a woman. I plan fun things with friends, I go places, I do things. I am excited to wake up in the morning and live the day, whereas I use to dread waking up. I know what I want in life; last year I was clueless. Oh, and my cute pants that didn't fit last year. . . .they are a bit baggy now.