Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Here I sit in a basically empty room, staring at a closet with a few bare hangers swaying slowly back at me. This is the same room that has served as refuge and sanctuary to me for the past two years. And that is the same blasted small closet that I cussed at daily for not allowing sufficient floor space for all my shoes. It is strange to think I will be leaving this humble bedroom and never come back again. Last year, I knew I would be gone with a few passing months of summer, only to move back in with the start of a new school year. Not now. Nothing will be the same. In a few days, everything I have grown familiar with since I graduated high school will be gone. Maybe not exactly gone, but different.

Yesterday at work, we watched Fox and the Hound (yes, I sometimes watch Disney movies at work; be jealous). Fox and the Hound is probably the saddest Disney movie known to mankind. All day yesterday was spent moving things from my apartment. And all day I had felt empty; emotionless. Until I watched that movie. As I sat watching the story about the fox and the hound that couldn't be friends, a wave of sadness hit me. That is when I realized I felt like Todd the Fox. No, my best friend is not a hound dog who is trained to kill me. That would be ridiculous. And no, I don't live with an old lady and she is not setting me free into the woods. However, I am entering a new transition of life. I will soon be going into the woods to start again.

Summers are usually carefree and lazy. This summer will not be so. I know I will still find time for fun. There will still be beautiful moments of carefree laziness. However, I am going to openly admit that this summer might be really hard on me.

I am moving home. I am excited to spend time with my family. However, I am nervous that many of my friends won't be around, and I'll need them.

  My mornings will be spent with my friend, Goldie the van, traveling to Logan every day to work two jobs. So I can pay rent for the summer while Brian is gone.

The majority of my dates with Brian this summer will not be like last summer. We will not have time to hike, feed ducks, go on runs, eat food, swim, and watch movies up the canyon. We will mostly have Skype dates. I know I am being a baby about Brian being gone, but I don't like it. I know I am selfish, but I still don't think it's fair he is leaving so much. I am excited he is studying abroad and I know it is a blessing that this job opportunity came up. All the same, I am still afraid.

After all, I am human and all humans fear the unknown at least a little bit.

It is strange to think I will never live with Shayla again. It is finally just sinking in. For the past two years, she has just been in the room next to me. We have a spare bedroom, but Shayla thinks 'it would be weird' to live with me and Brian. Whatever. Just kidding, Shay. I love you. Thanks for putting up with me.

Then our friend, Dallin, is leaving for the summer. He is leaving in two days. Driving all the way to Tennessee to do summer sales. The other day, he was packing some things up and it made me feel sick. I want him to be here in the summer. I want it to be like last summer when Dallin, Brian, and I went to the local pool in the evenings. Now I might have to go by myself. I want Dallin to be here for our wedding in August. But I know this is for the best and I hope he makes bank over in Tennessee. Dallin. . .I will miss you. And I owe you big for helping me pass stats this semester.

I am a person who likes change. All the same, death is also one of life's many changes, and we all take time to mourn death. So with this change in my life coming, today I am mourning for a moment. I know beautiful things are coming my way. Beautiful things take work though.

Tomorrow morning I have my last final. Then summer will be upon me. Next time I come back to school, my world will be different. I will be married. How absolutely enthralling!

This summer will bring many changes. Changes are becoming a daily routine nowadays. That is fine, but I will still always think back on days when the fox and the hound were friends, before they grew apart. Growing up is grand. But it's still just a little bittersweet.    


  1. If there are every nights where you want to cry because you want to be little again, come on over. Those nights are regular for me. Growing up is very, very bittersweet.

  2. Sorry that your feeling so melancholy, but I'm a little confused. Why are you paying rent while living at your parents house? Who died? Where is Brian going? Did he get a job or is he going to school abroad?

    -Favorite Uncle

    P.S. As a newly wed you won't want ANYONE else living in your apartment. :)

  3. I'll miss you too, Kels. Watching Brian move was like watching you both move, and I really didn't like it. Frankly, it ruined my week. BUT, soon you'll be married, we'll all be back in town, and we'll all party again! It's just a matter of a few months...
    Also, I REALLY wish I could be there for the wedding. You have no idea.

  4. Aww, you really captured it Kelsey and brought back floods of memories. I cried the last time I drove up Sardine Canyon away from Logan. So, you'll be 'reflecting' all summer, then after August you'll be amazed at the capacity of your heart to love. It is amazing really. Toast to Happiness remember . .
    (just think - in 15 or so years, you'll find a college-age friend who will help you relive the good times and by that time the bitter is gone and it is all mostly sweet).

  5. Oh, thanks for all the comments guys. Yep, there will be lots of 'sweet' coming my way, I'm sure.

    And Ryan, to answer all your questions. . .
    While Brian is out of the country, I will have to pick up paying our rent. While he is gone, I will most likely stay at our place in Logan.

    Brian is going to South America on June 1 to study abroad. Then when he gets back, he'll be going on several business trips to Arizona and Chicago. Craaazzzy summer we have in store.

    And. . .no one died. I was just trying to create a kind of metaphor. But it looks like I failed. Sorry for the confusion, Favorite Uncle. I am honored you read my blog.

    -Favorite Niece


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