I've loved this first year of owning a home. With every change of the season, it feels like we've just moved in again. Everything feels, smells and looks new.
I am a creature of change. At the end of each season, I find myself craving the next one. I change my hair every few months. I don't like being in the same place for too long.
But the last few weeks, I've resented my friend, Change. I've just wanted to ask Change if he can slow down for me. Just for a minute.
My five year high school reunion is coming up. As I was fitting it into my calendar last night, I started thinking about all the people I love who I've lost touch with, and that's in only five years. I hate change for that reason. I hate that change sometimes forces people apart . . . tears them in different directions.
I hate seeing my little sisters grow up.
I hate seeing my parents get older.
I hate seeing my grandparents get older.
I hate seeing my friends move away.
I hate that I can't eat a whole sleeve of Oreos anymore and still feel fine with myself after.
That is a lot of hate flowing around, but I know it's just a moment of mourning and then it will flee. Even though change can be hard, there is a certain beauty in seeing time pass. There is a certain beauty in seeing people move on, in seeing people age and mature . . . but on certain days it's just more difficult to accept that beauty.
I like this stage of life that I am in, and I'm just fearful that Change will play a joke on me and make it all disappear.
A few nights ago, I finished the book "The Fault In Our Stars" while laying in bed, and I guess everything I'd been feeling just came crashing down on my shoulders. I quickly turned out the light before Brian could see I was crying. Then I clung my arms around his torso, because I just needed to feel his presence there beside me. He turned and asked me if I was crying. I whimpered a quiet yes.
"Why are you crying?"
"My book was just so sad."
A moment of silence passed.
"I don't want people to die."
"Who is going to die," Brian asked.
"Everyone. We are all going to die."
And even though that was a very morbid ending to our night, I do know there is also a certain beauty in death. It's part of the journey. But just because it's beautiful and essential doesn't mean that I'm still not afraid of it.
Now I'll end this slightly pathetic post with a quote from "The Fault In Our Stars".
"What a slut time is. She screws everybody."