Any ways, on with the truths!
- I am beginning to think that a 5 month engagement was too long, ha. I have mixed emotions. It has been so nice to have plenty of time to get things done and not stress. At the same time, I feel like I'm getting cabin fever. It's like I'm on a ship and we can finally see land, but I can't wait for the ship to get there.
- For the past month, I have been beating myself up hard thinking I don't have enough purpose to my life. I am the type of person who always thinks I need to be living with a certain purpose in mind. If I feel like I am not doing enough, I beat myself up and feel horrible. I have been realizing the past couple weeks though, how cool I really am. I don't mean for that to sound arrogant. I really am not an arrogant person. Believe me, I will jump on all the things wrong with me before anyone has a chance. But I'm realizing I need to stop attacking myself because it makes me feel awful. And as I look around, I realize I am actually quite an accomplished twenty year old. I suddenly feel like I am right where I am supposed to be at the moment and I am heading in the right direction. And that, my friends, is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
- My skin is getting browner. That makes me giddy. Over the weekend, I got a tan line on my neck from the shirt I was wearing. This is great news. Great news indeed.
- I have realized probably my biggest fear. Losing my spouse unexpectedly. I don't think I would be able to function if something happened to Brian. I would turn into the lady that sits in her room, wearing her wedding dress, and mumbling incoherently. I have so much respect for people that live without their loved one close to them for an extended period of time. Just the past month has taken such a toll on me. It's not like I am super dependent or clingy, but Brian is my absolute best friend. I am used to doing everything with him. I almost feel like I've lost a part of myself with him gone. I can't wait for him to get back here. July 2nd will be one superb day!
- I like babies. I think they are precious. But I have never been one to maul a baby, talk in a squeaky voice to them, or be the first to ask someone if I can hold their baby. I feel like this alienates me from the rest of the female species. Sometimes I force myself to be baby crazy so I can fit in, because I almost feel like I'd be insulting women and babies everywhere if I did not. Is something wrong with me? I often wonder. I guess some people are a little afraid of babies. I am not afraid of them. I just act different. I've noticed I talk to young children differently than most do. I almost talk to them like we're the same age. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe it's an okay thing. Or maybe it's even a good thing. I dunno. All I know is I better wait a good four years or so before I contemplate this mom business.
- I am so bad at making new friends. I need to take a class on how to make new friends. Or read a 'Making Friends for Dummies' book or something. I feel like I am so awkward when I try to let people know who I am as a person. I love getting to know new people and ask them questions, but when the roles are reversed, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk about myself or open up this thick wall that somehow got built. Maybe that is why I blog. It is easier to communicate how I feel or think when I can write it out instead of just say it.
- I like my jobs and I like working at my jobs, but lately I've had a hard time motivating myself to want to go to work. I don't know how I would function if my jobs weren't so much fun. I just hate the thought of us human beings wasting so much of our lives away on going to work. Wake up, go to work, make money, come home, eat, sleep, wake up and do it all over again. I don't want to fall into the routine. Money has never been important to me. I like having enough money to know that I am safe. But I just hate that the world seems to revolve around money. I would rather own my time than lots of money.
I think that concludes the first Truth Tuesday. I will again confess all my deepest truths a week from today.