I have kept the crying fits down to a total of two times, checked my email more times than I would care to count, and convinced myself the world was going to end for about two days. After the two days though, I realized life would go on and that life is such a sweet adventure. Even when Brian isn't right by my side to share it with me. After all, it is only a month. It could be much worse. And he is spending the month doing such awesome things. Still, it is strange not seeing him every day. It is annoying when I can't send him some wise remark in a text message that only he would get. And as pathetic as it sounds, I have even listened to old messages on my phone just so I can hear his voice. And I get giddy and laugh every time.
But the worst part is, it has only been a week since he left. How embarrassing.
Love is a gross thing. But once you're in such a sticky mess, you can't be held accountable.
I feel like the first week will have been the worst though. Already, the last few days have been just fine.
And I feel like my number of cries is reasonably low. Only two. And they were each less than three minutes.
The first was three days after he left. I was at a work retreat. I had been trying to keep high spirits all day, but I was beginning to struggle. So as bedtime rolled around, I ran to the shower. I ran there to wash my dirty bare feet of course, but I mostly ran there to hide. As I felt warm water trickle down my back, I silently sobbed. I sobbed because I missed him, but half of me didn't even know why I was sobbing. I felt frustrated wondering why I was suddenly a roller coaster or emotions when regular Kelsey tends to keep emotions in check. I wanted to feel like myself again. Be comfortable in my own skin.
The second was the day after the first. I collapsed on my bed and realized I was crying again. It lasted for about twenty seconds when I suddenly sat up, stopped, and decided I wasn't going to act pathetic anymore. Since then, I've been better.
I am beginning to realize that I need this time away from Brian more than anything in my life right now. It is a blessing. A blessing wearing camouflage, but all the same, a blessing. I need to learn to hold my own, because the last thing I want is to turn into one of those wives that never leaves the house and can't manage anything without her husband by her side. That's not me. And that's what I'm afraid I'll turn into if we didn't have time apart. I am a strong, independent woman.
However, I still have a small soft spot for my pal. Which is why I gave him this book the day he left:
I wrote him a letter for every day we're apart. Cheesy, I know. I'm getting more cheesy with age. Oh dear. When I handed him this book, we were sitting on a grassy hill, overlooking Logan, with our temple right behind us. And I felt at peace.
I am still learning to accept this queasy, girly side of me. Forgive me for being pathetic in every aspect of the word.