Five Things I Love About Being ME

Valentine's Day was a thing that happened. I'm a fan of Valentine's Day because I'm a fan of loving people. I love others pretty easily.

I wish I could also say that I love myself easily. Some days I do, other days it's harder. It's not like I'm one of those self-loathing people who has zero self-esteem. I think I'm more confident than your average bear, and overall I'd say I'm quite a cool person. I like a lot of things about myself.

However, since I was a little girl I've had a problem with perfectionism. I expect perfection from myself. Obviously, I'm far from perfect, so I continually set myself up for disappointment and failure. Whenever I do something awesome, my first thought is always, "I could have done (fill in the blank) better." It's a rather exhausting way to live, thinking that I'm never good enough. Sure, I want to constantly progress and better myself, but sometimes I think it's more than okay to give yourself a big pat on the back. This is what this post is: a big, fat pat on my back.

Five Things I Love About Being ME 

1. I have a big heart. As already mentioned, I love easily. Sometimes this can be a painful trait to have. I worry myself sick over others, feeling their pains and wanting to somehow mend them. Even though my big heart often feels too heavy for my chest to carry, I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess in many ways, having a big heart can sometimes make my load lighter. I don't get offended easily or hold grudges. I would rather just love. I think having a big heart can make it easier to be forgiving. When others have wronged me, I try to look at that person with love. It's hard to stay mad for long if you do that. It brings me immense joy to serve, and help, and love others. I really feel like lifting others is my purpose for living.

2. I'm a good listener. I've always felt I'm fairly good at listening, but studying journalism taught me the art of listening on a whole new level. Sure, I'm not making the big bucks with my journalism degree (yet), but I feel like some of the qualities I developed from my studies have made me a better person. If you haven't noticed, the world has a lot of talkers. We need more good listeners. One of the nicest compliments I've ever received was at a work retreat when we went around saying nice things about each coworker. When it was my turn to be flooded with compliments, one girl said that she loved talking to me because she felt like I was always genuinely interested in what she had to say. It made me so happy that my coworker felt this way about me. I hope I can always be a person who others feel safe talking to. I've learned that good listening isn't just hearing what a person says, it's hearing a person and then trying to understand where that person is coming from. Since I've developed the understanding side of listening, it's made listening that much more enjoyable for me. Sure, I have my own opinions . . . but I'm willing to hear the opinions of others and also respect people for their differing opinions. I've learned so much about my surroundings, the world and myself from listening to others' voices. I would much rather learn and grow than think I'm right all the time.

3. I'm a doer. When I want to do something . . . I do it. I thought this was a normal thing that all humans did. I'm beginning to realize though that a lot of people talk about doing things but then seldom do the things they talk about. Fear might be stopping them, maybe laziness. I really have no clue. I just know I'm so grateful that I'm both a dreamer and a doer. I'm not even talking about huge things here. I'm talking about something as simple as getting together with a friend. How often have you ran into someone and you say, "We need to get together for lunch someday," and then they say, "Yeah, we do!" And then how often does the conversation stop there and lunch never happens? I try my best to make it a habit to follow through on what I say. When a friend tells me we should do lunch, I try to reply with something like, "Yeah, we do need to go to lunch! When? I'm open next Friday." Being a doer is something that anyone can make a habit in their life. It just takes a little practice and work. This past weekend I did something else I've been saying I want to do. We redid our bedroom. I've been talking about it for the past month so when we finally had an open Saturday, I was determined to make what I'd been talking about a reality. We marched over to Home Depot and bought supplies, and I spent all of Saturday painting walls the deepest and dreamiest of blues. I love just sitting in my bedroom now. It's a sign to me of my doing. If I don't like something, I don't complain about it, I take action instead. If I have a fun idea, I take action. If I want to go on a trip, I take action. Okay, you get it. I do stuff.

4. My enthusiasm for life is unstoppable. I get excited about ALL things big and small. It seems my childhood excitement never wore off as I grew up and for that, I'm forever grateful. I still wake up at the crack of dawn on Christmas Day, I'll notice a pretty sunset and talk about it for longer than what's normal, and you'd think it's Christmas Day when I get to go out for ice cream. I'm just excited about living. When Brian and I have an actual child around here, the enthusiasm might be through the roof.

5. I'm eccentric. As a little girl, my grandma always told me that weird is wonderful and normal is boring. I kind of took that saying to heart. I'm true to myself . . . even if that means I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb in the process. I wear clothes that make me happy and I get haircuts that make me feel spunky. I've never felt that it's necessary to fit in with the crowd or be accepted by others. I know that first and foremost, I need to accept myself. Of course I want other people to like me. Don't we all? But I'm learning that it's more important for me to like myself. I won't like myself if I pretend to be something I'm not.

If I had a sixth quality to brag about, it would be that I'm extremely humble . . . ha ha. Really though, why does it sometimes feel so incredibly uncomfortable to say good things about ourselves? Sometimes when my husband will say something negative about himself, I'll make him say five nice things about himself. It's the best. But I guess I should start doing my own exercise. I think as women in general, we drag ourselves down and pick ourselves apart. We are quick to point out our imperfections and shy away from what we're good at. So I'm going to challenge you, next time you have a negative thought, try thinking of five positive ones. I'm going to take the challenge on too. :)  

Sunday Best: Practicing Self-love

cardigan: Target, dress: Kohl's, tights: Old Navy, heels: Payless 

Sometimes I wonder why I have a blog. Why do I feel the need to put pieces of my life out there for the world to see? Plus, I'm going to be honest for a second, a large majority of bloggers bug to shit out of me. Excuse my french, but it's the ugly truth. I don't want people to look at this blog and think I'm conceited, throwing my life around on the internet. 

But when I take a step back, I realize I'm not really keeping this online record for anyone but myself. I love reading back through my archives and remembering what I was going through at certain times in life. I love seeing the old photos and how I've changed. It's theraputic for me. And while I write in a private journal as well, keeping a blog results in a lot less hand cramps and ink smears. 

Sometimes I feel really silly about these Sunday Best posts, too. I'm no fashion icon or model. I mean, look at these above photos . . . I'm a total dork. But I like that about myself. I don't shop at high-end stores. I like that about myself too. And I'm sure that there are plenty of times I'm out and about and people think I look like a total train wreck. I like that as well. The truth is, I wear what I want. I don't dress to impress. I don't put something on and ask myself if I can "pull it off". I dress to make myself happy. So while no one is looking at my Sunday Best posts for outfit inspiration, I love looking back at them for myself. It's fun to see what clothes I wore a year or two years ago. It's a style journal. I enjoy that. 

And that's why I sheepishly asked BWell if he'd take my photo today, because I really liked the outfit I had on. It made me feel confident and spunky. I wanted to capture that feeling for longer than just today. 

Over the past year, I learned to care a lot less about what other people think of me. However, I'm still working on mastering what I think of myself. I, like everyone else, beat myself up, feel guilt for no reason and think negative thoughts. I want to get rid of those burdens this year. So since Valentine's Day is about a month away, I want to practice self-love. Really, I want to make it a habit of practicing through the entire year of 2015. I found this gem of an article that I really enjoyed. I'm determined to practice all of the things on that list. In fact, I'm making it a priority this week to clean out my closet. Out with the old and in with the new. I also have interviews, lunch dates, and appointments lined up this coming week with people who inspire me. I'm looking forward to spending time with these people and feeding off their energy . . . absorbing their light. I'm finding that I absorb people's energy very easily, so it's vital that I surround myself with positive and self-loving people. 

How do you practice self-love? 

On the topic of self-love, my new heart tights are my favorite. I might be wearing them a lot in the near future to remind myself to love, love, and love some more! 

Pura Vida

Pura Vida is Spanish for "Pure Life". It's the law of the land in Costa Rica. It's used as a greeting, it's used for good luck, it's used as encouragement, it's used as a so long.

Recently, Brian and I returned from vacationing in Costa Rica. People really do live a "pure life" there. It's ironic how often we talk about people in less developed countries and feel sorry that they are so poor. In many ways, we are the poor ones. We are tied down to our phones, our computers, our nice clothes, and fancy houses. The people we met in Costa Rica didn't seem to be tied down to much. They live free of the unnecessary items that so often turn us into slaves. 

I came home from our trip with a fresh outlook on life, realizing that a lot of the things I think matter so greatly, actually don't.

Brian and I felt so inspired that we are already planning our next trip. There are so many places to see in this wonderful world that are going to give me so much more life experience than having the newest iPhone ever would. Now it's just time to save up some money in the old bank account. Traveling might cost a lot but I feel like every time I do it, I come home feeling richer in character.

Hopefully over the next few days, I can do a recap of our trip (no promises since I've become the world's worst blogger). I have a plethora of sloth pictures that must be shared with the masses. 

Always Aggies

Remember that one time when we graduated from Utah State University? That was a good day (which I was actually surprised about). I waited all day long for something to go terribly wrong. You see, high school graduation was a close disaster. I barely made it on time after my less than reliable van broke down and I couldn't get a hold of anyone to come and save me. I remember jetting in, out of breath with my cap sliding off my head. Whew, that was stressful.

USU graduation was low stress. It was a beautiful sunny day. My hair curled just how I wanted it to. And I was surrounded by all my favorite people. Win. Win. Win.

Brian also walked with me so we avoided going through two college ceremonies. Thank the heavens. I appreciate him so much for being supportive and willing to walk with my college so I could be with all my friends and news peeps. What a guy. I am happy he made me a True Aggie years ago while standing on that block "A" by the light of a full moon. And even more happy he made me his wife. Sometimes I wonder why in the world we got married so young. Are we crazy? Well yes, we are. But there isn't anyone in the world I'd rather be crazy with.

 So there you have it. We are USU alumni now. I'll be that obnoxious mother who one day buys my newborn Aggie apparel. I'll probably also play the "Scotsman" on loop next to my belly while the babe is in the wound. Settle down, now. I'm merely being sarcastic.

Now we have diplomas, grown-up jobs (okay, Brian already did), and graduation robes that we have no clue what to do with. I'm thinking Halloween costumes. Zombie graduates maybe? Brian is considering wearing his around the house as a bathrobe. Hey, the fabric is quite silky. He might be onto something.

Also, that subtle chunk of dark hair is blue. Yeah, I think I'm really cool. I have Aggie Blue hair. 

Advice from Senior Kelsey

I jotted down this list yesterday after taking my (gulp) final final. I can't believe it's over.

If I could sit and talk to Freshman Kelsey, I would tell her a few things.

-I would tell her to never sleep in and skip a class. There will be plenty of time to sleep, and never enough time to learn.

-I would tell her to go to bed at a decent hour. Staying up all night every night isn't cool and it won't help your GPA much either.

-I would tell her to worry less about dating and boys and to focus more on herself. That whole boy thing will work out on its own.

-I would tell her to take full advantage of all the benefits offered to USU students.

-I would tell her to make an effort to connect with professors. Some of them sincerely care about you and want to help you succeed at what you are good at.

-I would tell her to always carry that dang student ID card with her. You never know when or where you'll be able to use it to get a deal.

-I would tell her not to stress out about her future. Things will work out. They always do. As long as you're doing what's right and working hard, an opportunity will appear when you least expect it.

-I would tell her to get dressed for class in the mornings. Yeah, I get it. You have track practice in the afternoon. But that's still no excuse for not caring. Save the sweatpants for Saturday mornings.

-I would tell her to never worry about what other people think of her. There are lots of weird people at college. You can act as weird as you want and someone might think you are actually refined. So just be yourself. There's no better place to do that than at college.

-I would tell her to not be afraid of trying new things. They just might become your favorite things. And this is not implying to drugs or other illegal happenings. I am talking about stuff like taking an African Dance class.

-I would tell her to take every chance she could to lay on the quad or the grass on Old Main Hill and just soak in the beauty of the most magical campus around.

-I would tell her to believe in that football team, even though they can barely beat SUU at the moment. Just you wait. It gets better. I promise. Chuckie Keaton. Ever heard of him?

-I would tell her to stop complaining about the cold while walking around to classes during the winter months. Just embrace it. Sure, you can't feel your nose. So what, you might slip to your death on the icy sidewalk. But remember how lucky you are to be getting a good education.

-I would tell her to go out of her way to stop the person she knows on campus who pulls out their phone to do the "fake text message" in order to avoid conversation. Don't let them get away with that nonsense. You stop them and give them the biggest, friendliest hello and make sure they feel totally awkward in the process.

-I would tell her to always remember to call her mom. And her dad too.

-I would tell her to never eat the food at The Hub. Bad news bears.

-I would tell her to keep a better journal.

-I would tell her to always stick up for herself.

-I would tell her to soak up every second. You thought those four years of high school went by fast? Just wait for the four years of college to whiz by.

-And I would tell her to constantly be proud of being an Aggie. But she probably already knew that.

Be Powerful

I walked in the pool hall on my first day of class, terrified, praying I wasn't about to make a fool of myself all semester long. The sound of balls breaking and cracking against the rails echoed in my ears as I quickly scanned the room to find two other girls in the class.

Good. I wasn't the only girl.

I've always wanted to be a pool player. In high school, some weekends when the gal pals and I decided to take it easy on a Saturday night and not reek havoc throughout the small farming town we grew up in, we found ourselves at Pop'N Pins. Remember the ghetto bowling alley they go to in the movie Napoleon Dynamite? That is Pop'N Pins. This was how my high school career went down. Drawing pictures of ligers, developing mad nun-chuck skills, and hanging out at bowling alleys that are a crumbling memory of the 70's. Yes, I grew up close to the area where the movie Napoleon Dynamite was created. What a claim to fame. But back to the real story, we would end up at Pop'N Pins and "shoot some pool". None of us were that good. We could only make shots that were basically perfectly lined up. But just being huddled around the pool table and covering our hands in chalk, giggling and telling dating stories, made us feel like bad asses (yes, I just cussed but it was totally necessary).

I wrote a post at the start of the new year about facing fears. I mentioned that I had signed up for a billiards class to face a fear of mine. That fear was of embarrassing myself. I have this problem of not wanting to try things if I think I won't be good at them. Which is silly, since I'm only good at, like, ten things. So I signed up for billiards and I abandoned my dignity when I picked up my cue (that's the stick used to hit the balls in pool. Don't worry, I didn't know it was called that either).

The first time we played in class, I instantly flocked to the other two girls, hoping I could be at least better than one of them. As we started playing, one of the girls started mentioning how she always shot a lot better at pool after she had a few in her.

"Oh, yeah. . . I bet," I said it trying to act like I shot pool all the time at many a bar. I glanced at the table next to me, where a kid with chiseled tattooed arms was making intricate shots off the rails, his messy blonde hair falling out of his beanie.

"What have I done," I wondered, "I am going to be the outcast of billiards class. The laughing stalk." 

At that point I had to make a decision. I could either face looking like a fool and work towards becoming better at pool, or I could take the easy way out and sign the roll every day and just go through the motions. I decided to toughen up and do what I came to do. Get better at pool.

I listened carefully to the instructor. I asked him to watch my form. I practiced with BWell on the weekends. Pretty soon I was making some tricky shots in class. I actually felt this sense of confidence oozing from me as I chalked up my cue. It felt good. Then one day at the end of class, my instructor gave me the hugest compliment.

"Kelsey, I hope you know you are my best shooter in this class."

I know it's just a silly pass/fail billiards class, but I was so stinking proud of myself.

Then we started the eight ball tournament with partners. My partner, Ben, and I instantly hit it off and started railing through other teams. After a long and hard-fought battle, we claimed the title of eight ball champions. I even have a "pool shark" pin to prove it. I pinned it to my levi vest so I can feel like a true bad ass now (as seen in the picture above).

But that stupid pin that was made in China is pretty special to me. It's a reminder to never set limitations for myself. We are such capable human beings. Capable of more than we can imagine. And this leads me to one of my all time favorite quotes:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

-Marianne Williamson

So my random message of the day is don't you ever let your capabilities scare you into not trying. Do what you were meant to do. Be what you were meant to be. Whatever that is. Whether it's to become a politician, a teacher, an author, a humanitarian, a marathon runner, the winner of the Nobel Prize, or maybe the eight ball champion of your beginning billiards class. Go out there and be a bad ass. Because the only person who will ever stop you is yourself.

*I apologize to my mother for cussing three times in this post. I won't do it again. 

Truth Tuesday

• I'm not Catholic but I decided I wanted to try out Lent this year. What the heck. So in honor of Lent, I gave up all soda pop. I'm sorry to admit I am a Lent failure. I caved and ordered a Cherry Coke while in Las Vegas. But I was just getting so bored of water and milk. And I'm a bit of a juice snob (we only drink Simply Orange under this roof). I thought I would feel really bad about breaking my Lent deal, but I don't. The month I lasted for taught me some valuable things though. I had never been a big soda drinker until the last year. With my stacked school schedule came lots more eating out, and with ordering meals, I started drinking lots more soda. I could feel myself growing dependent on it which I really didn't like. My month without the soda showed me that I can be disciplined and I do not need that Cherry Coke to make it through the day. While I am back on pop, I will now keep the drinking minimal. I also started the good habit of drinking more water. I've never been good about my water intake. Now I find myself needing to carry a water bottle with me everywhere I go. And I even crave water now. I didn't think that was possible unless I'd just finished working out. Oh, I also learned that many restaurants have absolutely terrible lemonade. Some of those lemonades must have more sugars than any soda. For reals. 

• No Katy Perry, I never have felt like a plastic bag drifting in the wind. Really poetic though. 

• I'm in the process of cleaning my closet. By doing this, I quickly discovered I have a problem. Why can I not part with clothes? I can't even part with clothes I don't like. Shirts that haven't come off the hanger in YEARS. It's bad. But I am going to let my little sisters go through the things I don't want before I take it off to goodwill. So perhaps that will be good motivation, to know my little sisters might get a thrill from picking out some of my old things.  

• Sometimes I'll just look at Luna and imagine how goofy she'd look if she was a human instead of a cat. Can you imagine if humans had whiskers sprouting from their eyebrows and cheeks? Funny stuff. 

• Today in class, I repeated the same wrong answer to a question as the girl right before me did. I'm still blushing about it. What a dork I am. 

• This morning at work, while researching wacky stories to share on the radio, I found this article that predicted that Americans would spend something like 7 billion dollars on Easter or maybe it was 17 billion. Okay, I don't remember the exact amount. . .but it was in the billions. Isn't that crazy? That's a lot of Cadbury Eggs. 

• Also, I think Easter candy is my favorite holiday candy. Cadbury Mini Eggs, Creme Eggs, jelly beans, Easter edition Sweethearts, Reese's Eggs, chocolate bunnies. Oh. My. Dear. However, this excludes Peeps. I've never been a huge Peep fan. 

• The only television shows we watch at our house are the creepy and violent ones. We are extreme fans of both The Following and The Americans. Anyone else fans?

Remembering Eleanor

When it came time to register for classes for spring semester, I didn't know what I was doing. I only needed to take two more classes. However, people apparently think I need to be a full time student to keep my scholarship and financial aid, thus I began searching the school website for random classes that would make my total credit hours sum up to a total of twelve. My two thoughts while searching for these random classes were 1) sign up for fun and interesting classes, and 2) sign up for classes that will be an easy A. 

So I signed up for billiards because I had always wanted to take it. Then I signed up for intro to religious studies because I heard it was easy and engaging. Then I signed up for social deviance because I am apparently obsessed with criminal behavior and the professor teaching it is one of my favorites. Then I signed up for some English class because English comes to me easier than most subjects. 

But weeks later, flurries of emails made it to my inbox alerting me that I couldn't take that English class because it was only for English majors. They demanded I drop it or they would drop me instead, and while I was made out to be the criminal, I was just wondering why the heck they gave me the go to register for it in the first place. Not my fault. When I pushed that register button, why in the world didn't red lights flash and words come across my screen saying, BOO, SUCKER! YOU AREN'T AN ENGLISH MAJOR! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS! 

So I obeyed the English masters and dropped the class. Then I worriedly and anxiously searched for another class that could give me my full time student status. All the somewhat easy classes were full and had long waiting lists. I started to panic. Then I cursed the law makers of University rules because all I really wanted was to take another journalism class, but apparently my JCOM classes are maxed out. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Limit me from learning more about my trade. Ugh.

Then I found a women & leadership class that was only once a week. And I thought to myself, "Hmm, once a week. It can't be too hard. What the heck. Let's light things on fire, twirl our panties around, and bash on men." So I signed up for it.

Now it turns out, I think I was meant to take this class all along. It is nothing like I thought it would be. I am not just sliding by, wanting a grade. It's something I've discovered I am passionate about. And we don't sit in class on Wednesday evenings and act like we are picked on because we are females. We discuss things that are empowering. We talk about problems and how to overcome them. We learn leadership skills and how to use the fact that we are women to our advantage. We talk about how we can better support and embrace the women around us. Turns out, I love this stuff. It's made me take a step back and look into my soul, and then made me take a step forward and look into the souls of my fellow-women.

In class, we recently took a silencing the self test and it turns out, I silence myself a lot more than I thought I did. Sure, I have strong opinions on subjects. And sure, I probably blog about things that make people roll their eyes and shake their heads. But the thing is, I have a bad habit of closing off my innermost feelings. And when I want to express how I feel, I stop myself out of the fear of hurting someone's feelings. I do like this about myself; that I am sentimental toward others. However, I do an unhealthy amount of it. I always worry about others' feelings at the expense of my own. So I am working on it. I am trying to say and do what I feel is best, even if it means I might be judged for it. And on the other hand, I am trying to do a better job of not doing the judging myself. It's quite interesting because the men actually don't hold women back as much as we may think. We as women do the holding back. We hold ourselves back and if we aren't holding ourselves back, we justify belittling and holding back other women.

Because of this class, wheels are turning in my head and ideas are forming. I want to help women come together to celebrate this beautiful thing we have in common, this thing we call womanhood. I don't know how I want to do that, but I know I already have strengthened a part of myself because of this class. I am learning more and more every day how special it is to be a woman and that God loves me and knows I am capable. 

Around the same time we took the silencing the self test, we also watched a PBS documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt. Watch it if you get the chance. No matter your political opinions, you can't deny the fact that Eleanor Roosevelt was an incredible lady. Her life was actually quite dark and depressing. She was shy. But she learned how to speak and instill hope and happiness into others, and I think that's just grand. So if Eleanor did it, then I can too. And so can you, and you, and you! 

Mind Exercise

I read a quote about reading. It goes like this: 

"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body." -Joseph Addison 

If you read my post about setting my goals for 2013, then you know that one of my main goals is to read a book a month. Well, my "Book-A-Month Challenge" is now the real deal. I assigned each month a book I've been itching to read. 

Now that each month has a book to match it, I'm really extra excited to start working on this adventure. A few of these books are ones I've made friends with before. I read The Great Gatsby and Les Miserables in high school (I was wild about them both). And Little Women and Where the Red Fern Grows were two of my favorites in grade school. Hopefully I can even get ahead of my schedule and read some other books as well. Some of those others I hope to get to are the Delirium series, The Lovely Bones, and A Tale of Two Cities. I'm sure I will squeeze in something by Mary Higgins Clark as well, because I can never resist her. If I get ahead of my schedule, then I will simply move on to the next book in line. Here it goes. I am thrilled to get my mind toned and in shape. Join me if it suits your fancy.