Vacation Mode

Why is it that we worry so much about what others think of us? We so often let other's thoughts of us undermine our happiness. I mean, recently Brian and I caught this guy sitting in his car in the parking lot having a dance party by himself. He looked like he was having an awesome time. But he immediately stopped dancing when he noticed us. We were complete strangers who he'd probably never see again yet he let our opinions of him stop him from being authentic (we were total fans of his dancing, btw). 

A few months ago, Brian had a week-long business conference in Georgia. It just so happened to land on the same week that my sisters were out of school for spring break. They had plans to chill in California for the week with my mama. My mom invited me to tag along and Brian really encouraged me to go. You see, I get a little crazy and restless when I go long periods of time by myself. I think Brian was concerned about leaving me home alone for a whole week, ha ha. But I was being stubborn and saying I couldn't go. I had to stay home and work, be responsible and stuff. 

Well, I went back and forth between deciding if I should go to California or stay in Utah. I got to the point that I even made a list of pros and cons. Honestly, one of the biggest cons of going to California came down to what others would think of me. You see, Brian and I had a trip to Thailand planned and it would be not even a month after this California trip. My concerns were all things like, "What will my boss think if I ask for more work off? What will people at church think if I miss more meetings? People on social media will think I'm spoiled/irresponsible/lazy." 

It's really sad that I almost let other people's opinions of me make me miss out on a getaway with my mom and sisters. Yes, in the end I decided to pack up my suitcase and hit the road with my family. It was such a wonderful week away spending quality time with my favorite ladies (I think we need to have an annual girls' trip). It also made missing Brian a little more bearable ;). 

   

I'm happy my sisters let me crash their spring break. Hopefully soon I'll get my grand Thailand adventure documented. And as for worrying about what others think of me . . . I'm trying to take a permanent vacation from that.

I Am Worthy

I've been experiencing that awful thing they call writer's block. And I think there is a very definite and precise reason for my writer's block. There are certain things I've needed to write down . . . but haven't wanted to write down. It felt easier to bury the words deep inside and let them fester. For weeks now, I've wondered if this is something I should share in a public place or just save in the depths of my journal. But I had this sudden epiphany that maybe I'm not as alone in my loneliness as I believe I am. The majority may not relate to or understand this entry, but if just one person can relate and feel less alone, then I think my job here is done. In the words of Ernest Hemingway, I'm ready to write hard and clear about what hurts.

This past Sunday, we celebrated International Women's Day. To be completely vulnerable, I've struggled lately in feeling worthy as a woman. These feelings of worthlessness have left me more discouraged than I think I'm willing to let on.

I'm realizing a pattern in the life of being a woman. At each stage of womanhood, the world somehow tricks us into believing that our worthiness hangs on one single thing. As teenagers, we begin to base our worth on the amount of attention we get from boys. We grow a bit older and find ourselves measuring our worth by the body we see in the mirror. Then at a certain age (here in Utah it's our early twenties), we are only worthy if we have a diamond on our finger. The next stage of worth seems to be how well our reproductive organs perform.

I am entering that stage of life where I'm going to a lot of baby showers. And that's so exciting! I love watching my friends become mothers. However, just because many of my friends are becoming mothers doesn't mean I'm anywhere ready to become one. I live in an area of the world where the majority of women set aside a career to become a mother, usually at a young age. Let me first say: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I know for so many girls, they grow up dreaming of becoming moms. But to be honest, I never grew up really having that be my sole dream. Growing up in a society that often taught women we were to be wives and moms has more than once left me wondering if there is something wrong with me.

In the sixth grade, we had to do a pretty extensive career report. For years, I'd been obsessed with detective work. My mom regularly bought me mystery kits and I would spend hours in my room "solving crimes". I immediately knew what career I wanted to study for my report: a Crime Scene Investigator. When the day came for us to give our reports, I was one of two girls in my grade that didn't give the presentation of being a hair stylist/stay-at-home mom (not knocking either of those jobs. I love the hair stylists and moms in my life). My friend who was the one other girl to not give the same report quickly added at the end of her report that she would probably be a mom too. I was so proud to talk to my class about being a CSI. I even brought my fingerprint kit and took everyone's fingerprints. It was a hit. I remember for a split second at the end of my report, wondering if I should add something about being a mom, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want to lie. I was 12 and had no clue if I wanted to have children or not. I've never been one to give into pressure.

Check it out! I actually dug up a photo from my 6th grade career report. Enjoy 12-year-old tomboy Kelsey in all her awkward glory. 

Through my teenage years, I remember many a church lesson about motherhood and how as women we are natural nurturers. I know the point of these lessons was never to offend but to help us feel valued, but I never felt valued afterward. I felt worried. I didn't feel nurturing. The idea of homemaking made me want to gag. Did that mean I was broken? Would God not love me?

I can honestly say that I'm growing more fond of the idea of becoming a mother. It still freaks me out . . . but I do know it's something I want to do eventually. But I need to do it for myself and my family. I can't just become a mother because it's expected of me or because it would help me to fit in. I'm not on society's time frame. I'm on mine and God's time frame. I'm also aware that when I do have children, I won't magically turn into a wondrous homemaker as well. I know my strengths. Homemaking is not one of them. Sure, it's something I can work to improve at . . . but I still probably won't enjoy it. But you know what? I'm not going to become a mother so I can make bread and drive kids to soccer practice. I want to someday be a mother so I can teach someone of the profound beauty and value there is to life. I want to someday raise people who might have good influence in the world. That's what attracts me to motherhood. And I want to be an example to my own kids. I want them to see their own mother working at being an influence.

I know people don't always understand me. That's okay. The only person who needs to know the intentions of my heart is God. I know I am worthy in God's eyes. And that's all I need to know. So I'll try to not get frustrated when I call in sick and the whole office spreads rumors that I'm pregnant. I'll try to not get discouraged at church when people act like they pity me because I'm childless. I'll try to not grow annoyed when I'm asked for the millionth time when we are going to start having kids.

My complete worth as a person and as a woman is not based on being a mother. I'm much more complex than that. ;)

So girls, ladies, females: With whatever stage of life you are currently in, I hope you know you're worthy.

Your worth is not based on a relationship.
Your worth is not based on a prom dress.
Your worth is not based on a pant size.
Your worth is not based on a diamond ring or a white dress.
Your worth is not based on children.
Your worth is not based on how many homecooked meals you make per week.
Your worth is not based on how clean your house is.
Your worth is not based on the clothes you wear.
Your worth is not based on your education.
Your worth is not based on your paycheck.
Your worth is not based on your beauty.
Your worth is not based on your sexuality.
Your worth is not based on how old you are.
Or how young you are.

You are worthy. You are a wonderful, complex, passionate human being. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're not. You are worth more than you can imagine.      

Sunday Best: Pro-Leggings As Pants

top: Smith's Marketplace, cardigan: Smith's Marketplace, leggings: AdornIt, scarf: AdornIt, boots: TJMaxx 

I've heard a lot of debate lately on leggings and how they shouldn't be worn as pants or worn at all, because apparently men turn into brutish beasts at the very moment they see the female specimen sporting these tight bottoms. 

Okay, I'm being a little sarcastic. But I think I liked how some random thing on Twitter put it best: 

Dear Leggings-Aren't-Pants-People, 

We know. That's why we wear them. We don't want to wear pants. 

So really, stop getting your panties in a bundle over those of us who wear leggings. At least we aren't nude. If you don't want to wear them, that's great! But we have bigger problems to tackle in this world besides worrying about what another person chooses to wear.

Since I'm a wild child, I've posted some pics of my legging-wearing booty above. I sported this outfit for a laid-back Saturday of errand-running . . . because leggings are the best for that. I'm also getting really edgy and wearing skull shirts now. But only if the skull is smiling and has heart eyes. Oh, and wait until you check out my socks. They are super controversial . . . 

  Really though, aren't they the cutest? I'm that weird lady who loves holiday socks. Brian gave these to me last week and you would have thought he surprised me with a dream vacation or something. I mean . . . socks + terribly bad puns + cute animals = my fave. 

Have a great week! Do not judge a girl by the leggings on her legs but by what's in her heart. I'm deep, I know. 

Sunday Best: Practicing Self-love

cardigan: Target, dress: Kohl's, tights: Old Navy, heels: Payless 

Sometimes I wonder why I have a blog. Why do I feel the need to put pieces of my life out there for the world to see? Plus, I'm going to be honest for a second, a large majority of bloggers bug to shit out of me. Excuse my french, but it's the ugly truth. I don't want people to look at this blog and think I'm conceited, throwing my life around on the internet. 

But when I take a step back, I realize I'm not really keeping this online record for anyone but myself. I love reading back through my archives and remembering what I was going through at certain times in life. I love seeing the old photos and how I've changed. It's theraputic for me. And while I write in a private journal as well, keeping a blog results in a lot less hand cramps and ink smears. 

Sometimes I feel really silly about these Sunday Best posts, too. I'm no fashion icon or model. I mean, look at these above photos . . . I'm a total dork. But I like that about myself. I don't shop at high-end stores. I like that about myself too. And I'm sure that there are plenty of times I'm out and about and people think I look like a total train wreck. I like that as well. The truth is, I wear what I want. I don't dress to impress. I don't put something on and ask myself if I can "pull it off". I dress to make myself happy. So while no one is looking at my Sunday Best posts for outfit inspiration, I love looking back at them for myself. It's fun to see what clothes I wore a year or two years ago. It's a style journal. I enjoy that. 

And that's why I sheepishly asked BWell if he'd take my photo today, because I really liked the outfit I had on. It made me feel confident and spunky. I wanted to capture that feeling for longer than just today. 

Over the past year, I learned to care a lot less about what other people think of me. However, I'm still working on mastering what I think of myself. I, like everyone else, beat myself up, feel guilt for no reason and think negative thoughts. I want to get rid of those burdens this year. So since Valentine's Day is about a month away, I want to practice self-love. Really, I want to make it a habit of practicing through the entire year of 2015. I found this gem of an article that I really enjoyed. I'm determined to practice all of the things on that list. In fact, I'm making it a priority this week to clean out my closet. Out with the old and in with the new. I also have interviews, lunch dates, and appointments lined up this coming week with people who inspire me. I'm looking forward to spending time with these people and feeding off their energy . . . absorbing their light. I'm finding that I absorb people's energy very easily, so it's vital that I surround myself with positive and self-loving people. 

How do you practice self-love? 

On the topic of self-love, my new heart tights are my favorite. I might be wearing them a lot in the near future to remind myself to love, love, and love some more! 

Truth Tuesday

• When you pull into our driveway, it smells like apple cider. Our kitchen counter is currently covered with apples. I love having an apple tree (one that's very good at doing it's job, btw). Send me all your apple recipes. I'll send you apples in return. 

• Brian and I are already in full-out Halloween mode. We have serious discussions each night about our super epic Couples Halloween Party. This will be the fourth year we've held the party. I sent out Facebook invites and so far only two people have responded that they are coming . . . and those two people are me and Brian. I'm having major panic attacks. So help relieve some stress in my life and respond to my party invite. Even if you say no, that's okay. But say yes! Because it's going to be super fun. And if you want to come but don't have an invite, heck, come anyway. We aren't the exclusive type. In the meantime, while I wait for you to RSVP, BWell will continue to tell me to simmer down because it's only the beginning of October. 

• On the topic of Halloween, we bought a skeleton and spent way too much money on him. I think we may leave him up all year to get our money's worth. We're already way too attached and gave him the name of Eugene. 

• I like to tell myself that I could care less what anyone thinks of me. And when it comes to my hair and dress, that might be true. However, when it really comes down to it, and I absolutely hate admitting this about myself, I am constantly worrying what others think of me. I'm an over-analyzer (duh, I'm female). I sit and fret after I run into someone in the store thinking, "Did I say the right thing? Was I friendly enough? What if they think I'm rude? What if they think I'm weird? Do they hate me? Did I come across as snooty?" I think we all, in a way, want everyone to like us. Right? I am a people-pleaser. It's one of my many downfalls. So while I try putting on a front that I'm a bold and brave individual who is not swayed by the opinions of others, I'm actually this timid girl who just wants to be liked by all, even sometimes at the expense of not liking myself. However, every day I get a little bit more secure with myself and who I am, and I realize a little bit more that it's okay if everyone doesn't like me. People won't like me. It's a fact of life. So I guess it's more important that I focus on liking myself and the person I am. It's a journey, but I think I'm making progress. 

• I like vegetables more than I like fruits. 

• I'm really struggling at getting up in the mornings. I used to be like the Energizer Bunny. When my alarm went off, I'd instantly pop up out of bed, ready to start the day. Now I hit snooze one too many times and dread coming out from under the covers. It's a bad deal too, because I like to work out in the mornings before work. If you have any suggestions for this sleepyhead, send them my way. I'll try anything.   

• I think I like listening more than I like talking. And I'm okay with that. Honestly, I feel like there are too many talkers in the world and not enough good listeners. Being a good listener is like a forgotten art. I have a very long list of things I'm bad at. However, I think I'm a pretty good listener. It's one of the things I like about myself the most. 

I think that's enough silly truths for now. I need to go to bed so I can (hopefully) get up early.

What is Beauty?

When I was a little girl, I believed that long hair was a sign of beauty. Every Disney princess I knew of had long hair. I would read my picture book about the story of Rapunzel. Her long hair won her a guy. I never read stories or watched movies where the heroine had short hair. It was always long, shiny, healthy, and flowing.

I grew my hair out and for a while, it was long, shiny, healthy, and flowing like the hair of the Disney princesses I watched on-screen.

Then it was the summer before I would go to middle school. I was no longer the little girl who wore scrunchies in my hair and jelly shoes on my feet. I now had a mind of my own. At an age when so many are self-conscious . . . .I was strangely confident. I was prepared to enter the world of lockers and gym class with a bold new look. I was ready to get rid of my hair.

I clipped a picture of Halle Berry out of a magazine and told my mom to schedule a haircut appointment.

I remember how light my head felt after cutting off my thick chestnut brown hair. I ran my fingers through the short and spiky tresses and I felt so beautiful. It was my own kind of beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful society had tried forcing me to believe in.

As women, we live in a world where we are constantly told we must meet some certain standard to be beautiful. Skinny is beautiful. Long hair is beautiful. Bronzed skin is beautiful. Straight teeth are beautiful. Dark eyelashes are beautiful. We spend so much time applying makeup over blemishes, eating less and working out more. We all too often look in the mirror and see all the things we wish to change about ourselves in order to fit this definition of beauty.

Well, we are being lied to.

Beauty isn't about looking a certain way or fitting a specific mold.

Beauty is being comfortable in our own skin. Beauty is in speaking kindly. Beauty is living our lives in a way that makes us happy. Beauty is in the way we act and the way we carry ourselves.

I recently cut my hair off again and I keep having moments of doubt. I become conquered by my insecurities. Is my nose too big? Do I look like a boy? Did I make a mistake?

Then I try to remind myself of that preteen who so boldly cut her hair because she wanted to. She deserves some self-love. She is worthy of confidence. She has the right to feel beautiful.

I hope tomorrow you'll look in the mirror and notice all the things you like about yourself. I hope you'll feel beautiful and be slow to judge yourself too harshly. I hope you will speak kindly to yourself. Beauty can be found in all things. You are a beautiful soul.

I have short hair, a flat chest and stretch marks on my legs, and I'm beautiful.   

Sunday Best: Cleavage

dress: PacSun, cardigan: Bella Me Boutique, leggings: Forever 21, flats: Target

When I wear this dress with just the right bra, it's the closest I can get to feeling like I have cleavage. So dear floral dress from the store where all the high school kids shop, thanks for making me feel feminine with a dash of sexy. Mostly, just thanks for making it feel like I have boobs.

Things have been worse. When I played little league soccer at the age of 11, everyone on the other team had me mistaken for a boy. That's what happens when you have short hair and don't get any girly shape until age 15. It also probably didn't help that at age 11, I wanted to be a boy with all my heart. So it didn't offend me much when the coaches and parents were yelling stuff like, "Guard the skinny boy with brown hair." My mom though, she took it a little personally. She started yelling things from the sidelines like, "That's not a boy that's my daughter!" 

Okay, and that probably didn't all happen word for word because I was 11 and my memory is not perfect. The point is, I grew out of that awkward stage into a different awkward stage and now I'm where I'm at today and I look like a woman. I might only wear an A cup, but that still doesn't make me any less of a woman. Come at me.

Sunday Best: Guilty

shirt: Target, shorts: American Eagle, sandals: Head Over Heels, shades: Forever 21

So, I have a confession. I buy graphic tees in the men's section like a mad woman. They are just so much cooler than girls' graphic tees. Not only that, but sometimes I just want to wear an athletic-fit man shirt. They are baggy, cozy and make me feel safe . . . just like a good dude should. 

I wore this super laid-back outfit at the County Fair on Saturday and I had at least four guys ask me where I got my shirt. I felt guilty when I mumbled, "At Target. In the men's section." 

Maybe I should start a men's fashion blog. I think it could be a success. Awkward . . . 

Modesty, it's an Attitude

Here I go. Another post riddled with my silly opinions. However, guess what? You don't have to agree or even read.

So it seems that the discussion of wearing a bikini and modesty in particular is a hot subject right now (at least in the Mormon world). A few weeks ago, I saw this floating around Facebook and decided to read it. I found that I was very irritated with what I read.

Sure, the author made a few good points. However, the main point I just could not get on board with. This is what first irked me:

 So why don’t you just wear a bikini, you ask? Why? Because I am making a sacrifice for the guys around me. 

Her reasoning for avoiding a bikini was to make a sacrifice for men. It does not bother me that she chooses not to wear bikinis. That's fine. I, personally, do not feel comfortable in a bikini unless I'm just laying out to read a book, and even then, I'm really picky about what kind of bikini I will tan in. So that doesn't bug me. What bugs me is how modesty often becomes something that is all about dress, all about women dressing modestly, and all about women dressing modestly to help the men keep their pants on.

Modesty is personal. It should be about much more than dressing a certain way to get the stamp of approval from others. I choose to dress modestly for myself, and my personal choices of modesty are just that: personal. It makes me feel more confident in my actions and behaviors. For me, dressing modestly helps me focus more on my soul and my mind. Not only that, but I feel that it directly strengthens my relationship with my Heavenly Father (this post might get kind of LDS specific, so sorry if my references confuse anyone).

I found the following on my church's website:

Modesty is an attitude of propriety and decency in dress, grooming, language, and behavior. If we are modest, we do not draw undue attention to ourselves. Instead, we seek to “glorify God in [our] body, and in [our] spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:20; see also 1 Corinthians 6:19).

This also brings up the point that modesty comes down to much more than just dress. Modesty is humility; being humble in dress, grooming, language, and behavior. Therefore, if you choose to dress a certain way yet ridicule and judge another for the way they dress, I don't think you are showing very modest behavior (just my personal opinion). Dressing modestly and then turning around to say, "Look how so-and-so dresses. What a skank," is NOT a good example of modesty. You are not glorifying God when you do this, you are glorifying yourself by tearing another down and putting yourself above them. Judging others is not a good path to modesty. It's something I am much too guilty of and I am working on it. After all, it does me much more harm than the people I waste time judging. Also, how someone else chooses to dress has zero affect on my own modesty. It's really none of my business.

Another point in the post that bothered me, was the comparison of women to cake:

 I think we can all agree that as girls, exercise is important to us. We want to stay healthy and are often working on getting fit. We work out and stay away from carbs or sweets. We use all of our willpower to not eat the chocolate cake on the counter! Now, let’s pretend that someone picked up that chocolate cake and followed us around all the time, 24/7. We can never get away from the chocolate, it’s always right there, tempting us and even smelling all ooey gooey and chocolate-y. Most of us, myself included, would find it easy to break down and eat the cake. And we would probably continue to break down and eat cake, because it would always be there. Our exercise goals would be long gone in no time.

This is how I imagine it is for guys. Girls are walking around all the time with barely any clothes on at the beach or pool! Guys can never get a break from it, even if they’re trying to see past all the bodies to find the smiles and personalities within the girls.

First off, who says we stay away from carbs or sweets? Pass the chocolate cake, please. But in all seriousness, this metaphor made the feminist in me want to gag. I do not want to be compared to ooey gooey chocolate cake. I am a human being with feelings, ideas, dreams, and desires. I do not want to be compared to something that will be drooled over and devoured unless I hide my body. I hope and pray for women and girls out there that your reasoning for modesty is not because you think your body is shameful or tempting. Sadly, I think this idea often gets tied to modesty. However, it is quite the opposite. In my own life, when I have chosen to cover up, it helps me feel more beautiful and I have gone to new heights in respecting myself and my body. It makes me feel like a person and not a sex object. However, if you are covering up in order to "protect the guys" or so "people won't look at you a certain way", you are still turning yourself into a sex object. Just in a different way. You are thinking, I must cover up because my body is a bad thing that should not be desired, rather than, I choose to cover up because I want my mind and personality to be desired along with my body. So I guess my main hope with modesty, is that we choose to live it because it makes us feel like better and happier people, not because we feel shamed into doing it, thinking our bodies are bad things. Taken from For The Strength of Youth pamphlet, regarding modesty:

Your body is sacred. Respect it and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show that you know how precious your body is. 

After reading the article that I saw being reposted by many of my friends, I thought to myself that maybe I was being silly. Perhaps I was getting worked up about something that was really no big deal at all. So that night, I had Brian read the article, without telling him my thoughts on it. When I asked what he thought, he answered,

"I'm kind of mad. This makes it sound like men have no control. We can be accountable."

Then I suddenly had this new perspective. Not only can these certain ideas about modesty be degrading to women, but men too. Let's give the guys some credit. Besides, I have a feeling any guy who has dirty thoughts about the girl wearing the bikini will have the same dirty thoughts about the girl wearing the one piece.

Like I already mentioned, this is just my own opinion and maybe I am bat shiz crazy. I would love to hear opinions and thoughts on the subject. I really do find modesty a fascinating subject.

Other articles regarding this same subject I've seen floating around:

The Evolution of the Swimsuit

Men, Sex, and Modesty

I really enjoyed both these articles. While I don't agree with everything said in them, I thought they were both very well done. So, what say ye? What does modesty mean to you?

Brave Girls Club

Over the course of the last few months, my mom has been taking online art classes. The classes are about much more than just making art though, it's also about finding the everyday beauty in your own life and in yourself. My mom has been making friends all over the country, sending and receiving art in the mail, and she even started her own Etsy shop.

The organization that puts on the art classes is called Brave Girls Club. They also put on art retreats for women. My mom just so happened to win a personal art retreat in an auction, so she invited me and my aunt to join her for a weekend with the Brave Girls.

It was such an enjoyable weekend to get away and go to Boise, spend time with lovely women, eat good food, and make art. Walking into the adorable turquoise "Art Barn" was a dream. The inside was decked out with art. The walls were plastered with colorful and uplifting paintings. When I walked in, I felt like my troubles were swallowed up by the colorful patterns on the walls, ceilings, and floors and in return, I was bombarded by happiness. I felt like Katie from the cartoon of Horton Hears a Who . . . "In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies." If you've never seen Horton Hears a Who, you have no idea what I am talking about. Also, you are missing out.   

I came home feeling inspired, radiant, and uplifted. I highly suggest you get familiar with the ladies at Brave Girls Club. They are doing wonderful work. Their organization is about creating and putting beauty out into the world, and in the process, helping you find your own inner beauty. What could be better than that?

Thanks, Brave Girls! We hope to pay another visit to the Art Barn in the future.