Different Flavors

A few weeks ago, I was feeling so over the internet. Everywhere I turned in the world of social media, there just seemed to be meanness, bitterness, bullying and arrogance. I am the type of person who really absorbs the energy of others too, so I try to be really careful about not only who I'm chilling with in person, but also about who is filling up my feed on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter. When I see someone on Facebook complaining a lot or posting really angry things, I've found there is nothing wrong with hiding their posts from my wall. I don't need their negative energy in my life. It's just silly.

I recently even thought about deleting my social media accounts, taking a hiatus, but then I thought, "No Kelsey, don't let the negative and angry people win. Don't let them rule the internet." So there's that. I'm still here, trying to send a little sliver of my own love and optimism into this (sometimes vicious) world wide web. That's the thing, while there are a lot of meanies on the internet, I also see a lot of love and goodness being spread around by people, and I adore that. But dude, the bullying and shaming has got to stop. It's crazy to me how cruel people will be when they can hide behind a computer or phone screen. The sad part is, I think a lot of bullies have built their confidence up so much while hiding behind a screen, that the bullying is even coming across in face-to-face interaction.

After deciding to stay on social media, I had to take a step back and look at myself. What kind of material was I posting on my own accounts? Could I be more positive? Was I being the bully sometimes? The answer to both of those questions is: yes. The thing is, we all get passionate about certain topics and we all want to believe that the way we do things is best. Maybe the way I do things is best for me, but I need to realize that it's not going to be best for everyone (and that's totally cool). I'm LDS. Being religious makes me feel happy and whole. Are my beliefs going to make everyone happy? Probably not. I'm an avid runner. If you don't run, does that make you stupid? No, that idea is stupid. I love animals and could play with them all day. If you don't like animals or you are allergic, does that automatically make you a jerk? No. I got married young. Should everyone get married young? Of course not.

I'm hearing talk all the time of being more "open-minded". The truth is, we live in a society where no one is truly open-minded. We don't know how to respect the opinions and lifestyles of others. We are turning into a people so concerned with being heard and respected that we are forgetting to listen and be respectful. Someone can live a different lifestyle than me and be happy. More so, someone can live a different lifestyle than me and be a super good person.

I really love ice cream. Like, I really love it. I love it so much that we even had Cold Stone Creamery at our wedding. My very favorite flavor at Cold Stone is Chocolate Devotion (chocolate freak over here). It's chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce, chocolate shavings, and brownie mixed in. YUM. Do I think every single person needs to order Chocolate Devotion just because it's my favorite? No! There are a lot of people who are not going to love eating that much chocolate. I get that. But it's still my favorite and it makes me the happiest. Sure, there are other flavors I like but there's nothing that hits the palate quite like Chocolate Devotion. On one occasion, I had a friend tell me how great Birthday Cake Remix was. I NEEDED to order it. Well, I try my best to be open-minded so I gave Birthday Cake Remix a shot. It was just okay. With every bite of cake batter though, I found myself wishing it was chocolate-flavored. So I didn't love Birthday Cake Remix. Guess what? I'm still friends with the girl who does love it. And she loves me even though I have an unhealthy obsession with chocolate.

 I realize that religious beliefs, political opinions and lifestyle choices are much more complex than ice cream flavors. But you know what's never complex? Kindness. We need more of that. We need less people worried about being right and more people worried about being kind.

I recently met another girl who was my same age (24). She didn't seem very happy with life, at least not to me, but maybe I was wrong. Who am I to judge? I was trying to be friendly, asking her questions about herself. In return, she was sort of rude. The only thing she asked me was this, "So you're only 24? Isn't that a little young to be married?" I really wanted to be snarky back and say, "Aren't you a little old to not have a job and be living with your parents still?" But I didn't say that . . . because I'm trying to practice this thing called choosing kindness. So I just smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm pretty young, but I'm also really happy."

It's amazing that you can go into an ice cream parlor and choose from a variety of flavors and toppings to make exactly what it is you are craving. Pick your flavor and enjoy it. Stop letting it melt away all over your filthy hand while you're busy judging what others choose to put in their own cone (or cup, because I'm not a huge ice cream cone fan).

I Am Worthy

I've been experiencing that awful thing they call writer's block. And I think there is a very definite and precise reason for my writer's block. There are certain things I've needed to write down . . . but haven't wanted to write down. It felt easier to bury the words deep inside and let them fester. For weeks now, I've wondered if this is something I should share in a public place or just save in the depths of my journal. But I had this sudden epiphany that maybe I'm not as alone in my loneliness as I believe I am. The majority may not relate to or understand this entry, but if just one person can relate and feel less alone, then I think my job here is done. In the words of Ernest Hemingway, I'm ready to write hard and clear about what hurts.

This past Sunday, we celebrated International Women's Day. To be completely vulnerable, I've struggled lately in feeling worthy as a woman. These feelings of worthlessness have left me more discouraged than I think I'm willing to let on.

I'm realizing a pattern in the life of being a woman. At each stage of womanhood, the world somehow tricks us into believing that our worthiness hangs on one single thing. As teenagers, we begin to base our worth on the amount of attention we get from boys. We grow a bit older and find ourselves measuring our worth by the body we see in the mirror. Then at a certain age (here in Utah it's our early twenties), we are only worthy if we have a diamond on our finger. The next stage of worth seems to be how well our reproductive organs perform.

I am entering that stage of life where I'm going to a lot of baby showers. And that's so exciting! I love watching my friends become mothers. However, just because many of my friends are becoming mothers doesn't mean I'm anywhere ready to become one. I live in an area of the world where the majority of women set aside a career to become a mother, usually at a young age. Let me first say: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I know for so many girls, they grow up dreaming of becoming moms. But to be honest, I never grew up really having that be my sole dream. Growing up in a society that often taught women we were to be wives and moms has more than once left me wondering if there is something wrong with me.

In the sixth grade, we had to do a pretty extensive career report. For years, I'd been obsessed with detective work. My mom regularly bought me mystery kits and I would spend hours in my room "solving crimes". I immediately knew what career I wanted to study for my report: a Crime Scene Investigator. When the day came for us to give our reports, I was one of two girls in my grade that didn't give the presentation of being a hair stylist/stay-at-home mom (not knocking either of those jobs. I love the hair stylists and moms in my life). My friend who was the one other girl to not give the same report quickly added at the end of her report that she would probably be a mom too. I was so proud to talk to my class about being a CSI. I even brought my fingerprint kit and took everyone's fingerprints. It was a hit. I remember for a split second at the end of my report, wondering if I should add something about being a mom, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want to lie. I was 12 and had no clue if I wanted to have children or not. I've never been one to give into pressure.

Check it out! I actually dug up a photo from my 6th grade career report. Enjoy 12-year-old tomboy Kelsey in all her awkward glory. 

Through my teenage years, I remember many a church lesson about motherhood and how as women we are natural nurturers. I know the point of these lessons was never to offend but to help us feel valued, but I never felt valued afterward. I felt worried. I didn't feel nurturing. The idea of homemaking made me want to gag. Did that mean I was broken? Would God not love me?

I can honestly say that I'm growing more fond of the idea of becoming a mother. It still freaks me out . . . but I do know it's something I want to do eventually. But I need to do it for myself and my family. I can't just become a mother because it's expected of me or because it would help me to fit in. I'm not on society's time frame. I'm on mine and God's time frame. I'm also aware that when I do have children, I won't magically turn into a wondrous homemaker as well. I know my strengths. Homemaking is not one of them. Sure, it's something I can work to improve at . . . but I still probably won't enjoy it. But you know what? I'm not going to become a mother so I can make bread and drive kids to soccer practice. I want to someday be a mother so I can teach someone of the profound beauty and value there is to life. I want to someday raise people who might have good influence in the world. That's what attracts me to motherhood. And I want to be an example to my own kids. I want them to see their own mother working at being an influence.

I know people don't always understand me. That's okay. The only person who needs to know the intentions of my heart is God. I know I am worthy in God's eyes. And that's all I need to know. So I'll try to not get frustrated when I call in sick and the whole office spreads rumors that I'm pregnant. I'll try to not get discouraged at church when people act like they pity me because I'm childless. I'll try to not grow annoyed when I'm asked for the millionth time when we are going to start having kids.

My complete worth as a person and as a woman is not based on being a mother. I'm much more complex than that. ;)

So girls, ladies, females: With whatever stage of life you are currently in, I hope you know you're worthy.

Your worth is not based on a relationship.
Your worth is not based on a prom dress.
Your worth is not based on a pant size.
Your worth is not based on a diamond ring or a white dress.
Your worth is not based on children.
Your worth is not based on how many homecooked meals you make per week.
Your worth is not based on how clean your house is.
Your worth is not based on the clothes you wear.
Your worth is not based on your education.
Your worth is not based on your paycheck.
Your worth is not based on your beauty.
Your worth is not based on your sexuality.
Your worth is not based on how old you are.
Or how young you are.

You are worthy. You are a wonderful, complex, passionate human being. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're not. You are worth more than you can imagine.      

Sunday Best: Practicing Self-love

cardigan: Target, dress: Kohl's, tights: Old Navy, heels: Payless 

Sometimes I wonder why I have a blog. Why do I feel the need to put pieces of my life out there for the world to see? Plus, I'm going to be honest for a second, a large majority of bloggers bug to shit out of me. Excuse my french, but it's the ugly truth. I don't want people to look at this blog and think I'm conceited, throwing my life around on the internet. 

But when I take a step back, I realize I'm not really keeping this online record for anyone but myself. I love reading back through my archives and remembering what I was going through at certain times in life. I love seeing the old photos and how I've changed. It's theraputic for me. And while I write in a private journal as well, keeping a blog results in a lot less hand cramps and ink smears. 

Sometimes I feel really silly about these Sunday Best posts, too. I'm no fashion icon or model. I mean, look at these above photos . . . I'm a total dork. But I like that about myself. I don't shop at high-end stores. I like that about myself too. And I'm sure that there are plenty of times I'm out and about and people think I look like a total train wreck. I like that as well. The truth is, I wear what I want. I don't dress to impress. I don't put something on and ask myself if I can "pull it off". I dress to make myself happy. So while no one is looking at my Sunday Best posts for outfit inspiration, I love looking back at them for myself. It's fun to see what clothes I wore a year or two years ago. It's a style journal. I enjoy that. 

And that's why I sheepishly asked BWell if he'd take my photo today, because I really liked the outfit I had on. It made me feel confident and spunky. I wanted to capture that feeling for longer than just today. 

Over the past year, I learned to care a lot less about what other people think of me. However, I'm still working on mastering what I think of myself. I, like everyone else, beat myself up, feel guilt for no reason and think negative thoughts. I want to get rid of those burdens this year. So since Valentine's Day is about a month away, I want to practice self-love. Really, I want to make it a habit of practicing through the entire year of 2015. I found this gem of an article that I really enjoyed. I'm determined to practice all of the things on that list. In fact, I'm making it a priority this week to clean out my closet. Out with the old and in with the new. I also have interviews, lunch dates, and appointments lined up this coming week with people who inspire me. I'm looking forward to spending time with these people and feeding off their energy . . . absorbing their light. I'm finding that I absorb people's energy very easily, so it's vital that I surround myself with positive and self-loving people. 

How do you practice self-love? 

On the topic of self-love, my new heart tights are my favorite. I might be wearing them a lot in the near future to remind myself to love, love, and love some more! 

Be Still My Soul

Yesterday was a strange day. I was in a melancholy, reflective mood. I was also restless. This resulted in me entering my irrational behavior of worrying my life is over.

When this happens, I start worrying I'll suddenly wake up and be an old lady, on my death bed, all my dreams dead with me. I start worrying about every minute of my day wasted. I dwell on it. I obsess over it. I convince myself I must be a failure and I'm going to die a forgotten old hag.

And then I remember I'm only 21 years young. And when I begin thinking of the things I have accomplished during the course of those 21 years rather than dwelling on the things I have yet to do, I realize I've actually done quite a lot.

I blame a lot of how I felt yesterday on the fact that I'm a woman and it may have been my time of the month, and I also blame it on the fact that I was completely worn out after rafting in Jackson. These two things combined resulted in a very low key kind of day. And I think too many low key days make me depressed. I get kind of obsessed at times with staying busy. Ask my poor husband about it. I constantly have to be doing something. I'm constantly planning. Constantly scheming. Constantly taking on new ideas and projects. Constantly being active. Constantly wandering somewhere new. Constantly doing something. It's just the way I am. And I know it can be tiring for all those involved in my life. But if I don't keep myself busy, my mind spins and spins and I start worrying I'm wasting time. And the last thing I want to do is waste time.

So yesterday, I finally decided to pull myself out of my self-pity and do one little productive thing. So I went to the grocery store. I bought everything I would need to prepare a dinner for my pal that would make him proud to call me wife. I also bought a new shade of nail polish. Then I picked the line with my favorite grocer  lady working. She was pleasant, as always, and asked what I was doing for fun that day. I told her nothing much, but I had just gotten home from rafting in Jackson Hole. Then we talked about river rafting. And that's when I realized I'm an idiot.

How dare I pity myself for thinking I am not leading an important enough life, now, at this very moment. I just went on a trip to Jackson Hole! I'm young! I have an awesome husband! I'm going into my final year of my college degree! I'm not afraid to use lots of exclamation points!

And I have lots of dreams. But I don't have to accomplish all of those dreams today. Otherwise, what would I do with the rest of my life? Die young, I guess. But I'd prefer to die old, I think.

I need to learn to be okay with sitting still sometimes. I need to learn to be okay with keeping my mind quiet. Being still is not bad. Actually, it may be something I really need. Someone just teach me how to do it, please? I think if I can learn to be still and quiet my mind, I may actually get to my dreams much more easily than by just chasing after them like a chicken with its head cut off.

I think being in the mountains, surrounded by both the calmness and wildness of nature quiets my mind the most. On Sunday, Brian and I took a drive up to Tony's Grove. We snacked on carrots and lounged on our quilt. We were able to just rest and chat and breathe in the cool mountain air. As I closed my eyes and focused on the smell of the pines and the warmth of the sun on my cheek, I felt inspired. I didn't feel rushed to get to the next thing. Instead, my mind slowed and I was able to let thoughts come to me rather than try to think up thoughts myself. It was nice. I think I'll do it again soon. But as for the pity party, like the one I had yesterday, I don't want to do that again anytime soon.

Ironically enough, my very favorite hymn is Be Still My Soul. Perhaps it would be a nice reminder for me to just be still a moment if I kept the lyrics in my pocket or somewhere close.

 

Decisions

source

Life has been quite the whirlwind this semester.

We got married.

Brian became a business owner.

I took a full schedule of classes with a very heavy workload.

A few weeks ago, I began planning out my schedule for spring semester so I could register for classes. I met with my adviser. We sat down and planned out the rest of my college life and the way we looked at it, I would graduate next December, about a year from right now, if I kept going at the rate I've been going at. Then she started rambling on about how I would need to start getting to work on my graduation package in January and a bunch of other things I just stopped listening to because I had a slight freak out moment. I suddenly realized I didn't think I was ready to be done with school that soon. I realized I didn't know so much what I wanted to do with the rest of my life after all. I've always been a student. Basically my whole life. And I like the idea of being able to call myself a student until I figure out another title for myself.

Because even though I love my major, I don't know if I really want to work for a news station. It sounds hard. And I know life isn't all about having fun, it's meant to be hard, but I don't know if I want the kind of hard that comes with being in the business of the media. I don't want to work on all major holidays. I don't want to work through ridiculous hours of the night. I don't want to be stressed out of my mind all the time. I don't want to constantly worry about stepping on someone's toes.

But then again, it could be really fun.

But maybe there is something else I'm meant to do?

I know I want to do something meaningful with my life. I want to work. If only for a little while. I just am not completely sure what. Not quite yet. And although I want to work, I want something that is flexible enough that I can take part in things that are truly important.

When I came home from meeting with my adviser, I felt as if my head was spinning, fogged with confusion. I started going through all the classes I'd have next semester and realized I'd probably be even busier than I have been this fall. Thinking that made me sick. Like clammy-hands-run-to-the-toilet sick. So Brian sat me down and told me to SLOW DOWN. He asked me what the benefits would be of graduating a semester early any ways. I answered with, "I can start applying for jobs sooner." But then Brian brought up the point that I wasn't even sure what I wanted those jobs to be yet. So he suggested I slow down, have some fun, enjoy school again, and graduate in the spring of 2013. I really think he just wants us to graduate together ;). So I then called my mom and got her advice. She thought the same thing as Brian. So I trusted two of my most favorite people and I'm now taking a light load next semester. Well, light credit wise. The classes will still be vigorous. But I'll actually have time to enjoy them now. And at the moment, I'm signed up to take African Dance. That should be interesting.

I think I have made the right decision by slowing down. It's time for me to work on being a better wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I'm ready to cook Brian dinner for once, since he usually ends up making it or at least helping me with it. I'm ready to find time for the people I care about instead of telling them I always have to do more homework.

 The other day, I was going through one of my little quote books and I found something I must have written down years ago for this specific moment in my life. It was part of a speech by First Lady Barbara Bush when she spoke at the graduation ceremony of Wellesley College. Wellesley College is a liberal arts school for women and a lot of these women are extreme feminists. Students were outraged that Barbara Bush had been invited to speak, saying that she did not represent the type of career woman they wanted to become, that she hadn't done anything besides marry the president and devote her life to being a mother. This is an excerpt from Mrs. Bush's speech and it gave me chills the other morning as I reread it:

"Early on I made a choice which I hope you make as well. Whether you are talking about education, career or service, you are talking about life . . .and life really must have joy. One of the reasons I made the most important decision of my life . . . to marry George Bush . . . is because he made me laugh. It's true, sometimes we've laughed through our tears . . . but that shared laughter has been one of our strongest bonds. Find the joy in life . . .
Another choice that must not be missed is to cherish your human connections. For several years, you've had impressed upon you the importance to your career of dedication and hard work, and, of course, that's true. But as important as your obligations as a doctor, lawyer, or business leader will be, you are a human being first and those human connections . . . with spouses, children, friends . . . are the most important investments you will ever make. At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, a parent."

What a wise woman. And she is so right. I doubt when I'm old and grey, sitting at the window in my rocking chair, waiting for death to take me, I'll be thinking of the tests I could have scored higher on or the money I could have earned more of.

I'll probably regret all the times I didn't slow down to kiss Brian an extra time and tell him how much I love him. I'll probably regret that I didn't visit my parents more. I'll probably regret the times I didn't call up that friend to see how she was doing. I'll probably regret all the missed opportunities at new friendships, the times I could have laughed with loved ones, the moments I missed because I was too wrapped up in 'being busy'.

Really, what could be a greater accomplishment at the end of life than to say, "I might have not been an outstanding doctor, an outstanding reporter, or an outstanding entrepreneur . . . but I was an outstanding human being."

I'm ready to work on becoming outstanding, and in the mean time, maybe I'll figure out something else I'd like to do too.

A Hairy Situation

In some situations, it can be difficult for an indecisive girl to make up her mind. Everything is not always black and white. Sometimes I just find myself sitting on the fence and thinking, "Oh, that side over there looks nice. But I like this side of the fence too." So then I just sit on the fence, looking back and forth, and things get out of hand.

With my hair anyways.

I need some direction. I am to the point that I'm thinking maybe it's time to try growing my hair out. Maybe I should shoot for some length. Maybe I should be really motivated and grow it real long. Long enough I can chop it all off the minute it reaches the length that qualifies to donate to Locks of Love. With the way my hair grows though, that might take years. But a breath of fresh air might be nice. I've kept my hair short for a while now.

However, maybe I should just keep it short. Stick with what I know I love, stick with what I know looks good. Because every time I see a girl with a short cut, I think to myself, "Dang, that girl looks rockin'!" And then I remember, "Hey, my hair looks a lot like hers. That means I'm rockin' too!" I just love it. I love how vulnerable my neck is. I love knowing the nape of my neck is just naked and not covered up by hair. I love how easy it is to fix in the mornings. I love that I don't have to own a curling iron, since I don't have enough hair to even try curling. I love rarely having to buy hair products because I never run out. And I think my hair loves being short too. My hair is mean. Like if my hairs were alive, I'm pretty sure they'd all be grumpy. I mean, it's course, dries out, the ends get all frizzy. . .since I've had it short it just feels healthier.

But maybe it's time for a change?

So what do I do my friends? Show me some comment love. Give this girl some advice. Do I suffer through the bitter growth process and probably have a mean looking mullet for a while, or do I stick with the short pixie styled cut?

Help a sister out. Cuz I'm lost and need direction. My hair is getting sick of my fence sitting.