Lost Blossoms

Last week, our apple tree was clad in blossoms of pink and white. In just a matter of days, the petals tore free from the branches and were whisked away in the wind. Where dainty blossoms hung, there are now fresh leaves, green with life.

I've loved this first year of owning a home. With every change of the season, it feels like we've just moved in again. Everything feels, smells and looks new. 

I am a creature of change. At the end of each season, I find myself craving the next one. I change my hair every few months. I don't like being in the same place for too long. 

But the last few weeks, I've resented my friend, Change. I've just wanted to ask Change if he can slow down for me. Just for a minute.

My five year high school reunion is coming up. As I was fitting it into my calendar last night, I started thinking about all the people I love who I've lost touch with, and that's in only five years. I hate change for that reason. I hate that change sometimes forces people apart . . . tears them in different directions. 

I hate seeing my little sisters grow up. 

I hate seeing my parents get older. 

I hate seeing my grandparents get older. 

I hate seeing my friends move away. 

I hate that I can't eat a whole sleeve of Oreos anymore and still feel fine with myself after. 

That is a lot of hate flowing around, but I know it's just a moment of mourning and then it will flee. Even though change can be hard, there is a certain beauty in seeing time pass. There is a certain beauty in seeing people move on, in seeing people age and mature . . . but on certain days it's just more difficult to accept that beauty. 

I like this stage of life that I am in, and I'm just fearful that Change will play a joke on me and make it all disappear. 

A few nights ago, I finished the book "The Fault In Our Stars" while laying in bed, and I guess everything I'd been feeling just came crashing down on my shoulders. I quickly turned out the light before Brian could see I was crying. Then I clung my arms around his torso, because I just needed to feel his presence there beside me. He turned and asked me if I was crying. I whimpered a quiet yes. 

"Why are you crying?" 

"My book was just so sad." 

A moment of silence passed. 

"I don't want people to die."

"Who is going to die," Brian asked. 

"Everyone. We are all going to die."

And even though that was a very morbid ending to our night, I do know there is also a certain beauty in death. It's part of the journey. But just because it's beautiful and essential doesn't mean that I'm still not afraid of it. 

Now I'll end this slightly pathetic post with a quote from "The Fault In Our Stars".

"What a slut time is. She screws everybody." 

 

Cafe Spooky

This past Tuesday was my last time doing Activity Days. Since we've moved to our new house, that also means it is time to move on to a new church ward. I wanted the girls to see where I would be living now, so we decided to have a Halloween dinner at the Weller bungalow. Last week, I went out for lunch with the other leaders and we planned the menu. We started getting pretty into it. We created menus and called our high-end restaurant "Cafe Spooky". Some of the things we came up with for food may have been over the top, but the girls loved it. That's what really matters, right?

I took such care in setting the table for them and I even let them use my new teacups I thrifted last week. They were all giggles and Luna enjoyed the extra attention she received from the little girls.

Our appetizers, created by the talented lady who is taking my spot as a leader, were "mini pumpkins" and "spooky ghosts" . . .

Then for the main course, we had bread sticks with Mac&Cheese. The Mac&Cheese was dyed green and we called it "fresh gopher guts". I made way too much Mac&Cheese. When I went to put it in a Tupperware to save, Brian disgustingly said, " I am NOT eating that." The gopher guts were too much for him to handle. There isn't a photo of the Mac&Cheese, so use your imagination, but I do have a photo of the bread sticks that we renamed "witch fingers" . . .

Then one of the other leaders made this adorable cake that we called "graveyard dirt" . . .

When the time came to go home, I gave all the girls a personal hand-written letter and told them goodbye. One of the girls was pretty confused.

"Why are you leaving?"

I then explained to her that Brian and I moved.

"Where did you move to?"

"The house we are standing in, silly."

Also, when I gave my short farewell speech, one girl rubbed my arm and sarcastically said, "There, there. Don't cry."

Those scoundrels.

I sure will miss my church calling and my sweet partner, Sami Jo. Both the women who were my partners while I served in Activity Days ended up being my best friends in the ward, which I'm so grateful for. I'll especially miss those sweet young gals who have influenced my life. I hope I influenced theirs in some way. Can I just adopt them? Sami, I want to adopt you too.  

The Worst Happy Day

I had someone tell me that when their son entered the MTC, it was the worst happy day ever. I completely understand what she meant now.

I can't wait to get his letters and hear about his adventures. It will be so good.

And every time I start to miss him a little, I'll just wear my California shirt.

Elder Keller

My brother moves to California tomorrow and will live there for the next two years. He will dedicate his time to serving others and spreading this message.

I never thought it would be so hard for me to watch my brother go on a mission. I'm actually a bit embarrassed because, I mean, people go on missions everyday. It shouldn't be this big of a struggle for me. Plus, it's just two years. I can write him letters and send emails. I can even skype with him on Christmas day. All the same, I'm really going to miss Ronnie Jace, my one and only brother.

I loved Jace from the day he was born. Not only is he my little brother and one of my longest-kept friends, but he gave me an important title. He gave me the title of big sister.

I was so excited when my mom was pregnant with Jace. I waltzed around declaring myself the big sister. My parents didn't find out the sex for any of us kids so it was always a constant guessing game on whether my mom would have a boy or a girl. But I knew from the beginning that I was going to have a little brother. Anytime someone would say to me, "Are you so excited to have a little brother or sister?" I would respond by telling them I was very excited to have a little brother.

After Jace was born, I took it upon myself to protect him and keep him happy, as any good big sister would. I was convinced the only person that could bully him would be me. Which I did all growing up.

 My childhood friend Catherine and I would lock Jace out of our wooden playhouse in the garden almost daily.

"What's the password," we would ask in demanding voices. J

ace would say passwords in his gentle little voice and even when he got the password correct, he still wasn't allowed to pass.

"Sorry, we just changed the password."

He constantly wanted to play with me and my friends, but when my friends were around, I was just too cool for my little brother. One time, when Catherine and I were making our pretend radio show where we discussed different animals (this was a common occurrence), we took a break to get a snack. We left our cassette tape and recorder on the couch. Jace usually sat and listened to us record, but we never let him talk even though he begged many times. When we returned from our snack, we found Jace guiltily holding the microphone. He had recorded his own segment on hermit crabs (his favorite animal). At the time, I was angry. Now I'm so glad he did it. I'm glad we have his cute little voice recorded. He had trouble saying his "r"s as a child so he can be heard in his timid voice saying, "I weally wove hewmit cwabs. Maybe I'll buy two ow fwee." Even in my high school years, I managed to pick on Jace here and there. He was a freshman when I was senior. I don't think he realizes how much I worried about him and asked guys my own age to look out for him, but that still didn't mean I didn't tease him ruthlessly when passing him in the hallway between classes.

Along with all the mean things I did to Jace growing up, I feel like I also tried hard to be nice. Jace was very shy when he was little. I, however, was not all that shy. At times I was overconfident and bossy. So I took it upon myself to be Jace's voice when he was too afraid to speak. There were countless times I would coax him to answer an adult or just answer for him if he didn't want to.

 Since we were just little all the way up to when I got my driver's license, I sat by Jace on the school bus. I remember once when I was in middle school, I went to sit somewhere else one morning. I heard Jace's sweet voice, "Kelsey . . . please sit by me." I'm sure I rolled my eyes, the way most thirteen year olds do, but I plopped down next to him in my regular spot.

Also, when my friends weren't around, Jace was my very best friend. We had all kinds of games we played together. We were constant companions. Many of our childhood days were spent jumping on the tramp, riding bikes, climbing the crab apple trees in our pasture, and digging in our sandpit. I also easily convinced Jace that dancing in the front room with me was fun. In our dress-up clothes, we had two tutus, a pink one and blue one. Jace always wore the blue one (as I remember it). We would get dressed up and I would turn on and turn up some music in our front room. There we twirled around, the armchairs and piano were our audience. This soon became one of Jace's favorite things to do. He would go put on his tutu and ask if we could play dancers. I guess I should mention that Jace was three/four at this time. If you were imagining him being, say, 12 then this might be a little weird.

Once I graduated from high school, I distanced myself from Jace a bit. We were living in different selfish worlds; high school and college. However, once Jace reached the end of his senior year and decided he would go to a year at USU and then serve a mission, I became excited. I started thinking how much fun it would be to go to college with my brother. Then I realized that I was not the cool big sister but the embarrassing older sister who was married. I would probably rarely see Jace around USU. However, Jace proved me wrong. My brother instantly got very involved at school and even joined a fraternity, but that didn't mean he was too cool for me, the way I had been back when we were kids. There were many times we met up for dinner or went out to a movie. Not only that, Jace would often show up to our townhouse unannounced.

 "I just wanted to say hi," he would say as I answered the knock at the door.

Then he would sit in our living room for an hour or two and we would chat and laugh about things. One Saturday morning, he even showed up to surprise me with a Mr. Bucket he had thrifted. All the pieces were still there and it was nearly in perfect condition. My Mr. Bucket had been one of my favorite toys as a kid. I felt extremely special that day that Jace had taken the time to bring me such a special gift.

 I don't think he realizes how much I've appreciated our relationship in the last year. We have always been close, but I feel like we are now closer than ever.

So now you understand why I am having anxiety about this mission thing. I'll be the first to admit I'm a drama queen so I'm sure it won't be so bad, but I really will miss my little brother. It's crazy to think when I see him again after tomorrow, he will be almost the same age that I am right now.

Elder Keller, you will be one heck of a missionary. Every time you get out of bed, I'm sure the devil will be nervous. I guess I can give up two years of goofing off with you so that you can bring truth and happiness to other families out there who are currently searching for peace. You are one of the kindest people I've ever met with the biggest heart. How grateful I am to call you my brother. Thank you for giving me one of my favorite titles: big sister.

    

These are just some pictures I had handy on my laptop. So don't you fret, next time I visit my parents' house, you better believe I'll be digging up that photo of Jace in his tutu. At least I can share embarrassing stuff about him while he's gone and he'll never have to know, right?  

Always Aggies

Remember that one time when we graduated from Utah State University? That was a good day (which I was actually surprised about). I waited all day long for something to go terribly wrong. You see, high school graduation was a close disaster. I barely made it on time after my less than reliable van broke down and I couldn't get a hold of anyone to come and save me. I remember jetting in, out of breath with my cap sliding off my head. Whew, that was stressful.

USU graduation was low stress. It was a beautiful sunny day. My hair curled just how I wanted it to. And I was surrounded by all my favorite people. Win. Win. Win.

Brian also walked with me so we avoided going through two college ceremonies. Thank the heavens. I appreciate him so much for being supportive and willing to walk with my college so I could be with all my friends and news peeps. What a guy. I am happy he made me a True Aggie years ago while standing on that block "A" by the light of a full moon. And even more happy he made me his wife. Sometimes I wonder why in the world we got married so young. Are we crazy? Well yes, we are. But there isn't anyone in the world I'd rather be crazy with.

 So there you have it. We are USU alumni now. I'll be that obnoxious mother who one day buys my newborn Aggie apparel. I'll probably also play the "Scotsman" on loop next to my belly while the babe is in the wound. Settle down, now. I'm merely being sarcastic.

Now we have diplomas, grown-up jobs (okay, Brian already did), and graduation robes that we have no clue what to do with. I'm thinking Halloween costumes. Zombie graduates maybe? Brian is considering wearing his around the house as a bathrobe. Hey, the fabric is quite silky. He might be onto something.

Also, that subtle chunk of dark hair is blue. Yeah, I think I'm really cool. I have Aggie Blue hair. 

Advice from Senior Kelsey

I jotted down this list yesterday after taking my (gulp) final final. I can't believe it's over.

If I could sit and talk to Freshman Kelsey, I would tell her a few things.

-I would tell her to never sleep in and skip a class. There will be plenty of time to sleep, and never enough time to learn.

-I would tell her to go to bed at a decent hour. Staying up all night every night isn't cool and it won't help your GPA much either.

-I would tell her to worry less about dating and boys and to focus more on herself. That whole boy thing will work out on its own.

-I would tell her to take full advantage of all the benefits offered to USU students.

-I would tell her to make an effort to connect with professors. Some of them sincerely care about you and want to help you succeed at what you are good at.

-I would tell her to always carry that dang student ID card with her. You never know when or where you'll be able to use it to get a deal.

-I would tell her not to stress out about her future. Things will work out. They always do. As long as you're doing what's right and working hard, an opportunity will appear when you least expect it.

-I would tell her to get dressed for class in the mornings. Yeah, I get it. You have track practice in the afternoon. But that's still no excuse for not caring. Save the sweatpants for Saturday mornings.

-I would tell her to never worry about what other people think of her. There are lots of weird people at college. You can act as weird as you want and someone might think you are actually refined. So just be yourself. There's no better place to do that than at college.

-I would tell her to not be afraid of trying new things. They just might become your favorite things. And this is not implying to drugs or other illegal happenings. I am talking about stuff like taking an African Dance class.

-I would tell her to take every chance she could to lay on the quad or the grass on Old Main Hill and just soak in the beauty of the most magical campus around.

-I would tell her to believe in that football team, even though they can barely beat SUU at the moment. Just you wait. It gets better. I promise. Chuckie Keaton. Ever heard of him?

-I would tell her to stop complaining about the cold while walking around to classes during the winter months. Just embrace it. Sure, you can't feel your nose. So what, you might slip to your death on the icy sidewalk. But remember how lucky you are to be getting a good education.

-I would tell her to go out of her way to stop the person she knows on campus who pulls out their phone to do the "fake text message" in order to avoid conversation. Don't let them get away with that nonsense. You stop them and give them the biggest, friendliest hello and make sure they feel totally awkward in the process.

-I would tell her to always remember to call her mom. And her dad too.

-I would tell her to never eat the food at The Hub. Bad news bears.

-I would tell her to keep a better journal.

-I would tell her to always stick up for herself.

-I would tell her to soak up every second. You thought those four years of high school went by fast? Just wait for the four years of college to whiz by.

-And I would tell her to constantly be proud of being an Aggie. But she probably already knew that.