My Anchor-Part 3

Brian Weller took me out on a second date. Just as I predicted.
And a third.
And we took turns watching movies at each other's apartments.
And we cuddled while watching those movies.
And sometimes we stayed up into the wee hours of the morning talking.
And he also took plenty of time to play his guitar to me.

But still no kiss. I found myself wondering what was wrong. Sometimes I even found myself slightly irritated with Brian for not being a man and kissing me. But now I know he was only patiently waiting. Because he wanted this first kiss to really mean something.

I, being a headstrong girl, refused to be the one to kiss him. I was still trying to play games. Thinking that if I were the one to kiss him, it would appear too much like I wanted him. No, Brian would have to be the one to make the move. But I began growing weary, thinking that move would never be taken.

But the night arrived when the move was made. Just like a piece in a game of checkers. He patiently waited for the pieces to fall in place and then moved in to 'king me'.

* * * *

The movie ends and the credits begin rolling. I get up to move so I can turn the television off.
"I'll get it," Brian gently whispers. He quickly moves forward and nestles me carefully back onto the couch in a comfortable position. I can't help but let my lips curl up into a half smile. This silly boy seems to be so willing to do just about anything for me. I am not used to it. Being treated on so often. I usually don't like it, but something about the way Brian does it makes me not resist. Because he knows I am certainly capable, yet it seems to make him happy, to be able to do the kind and simple things for me. I really do slightly enjoy it.

After the tv is turned off, Brian scoops the guitar out of the corner and begins to play for me. I let my mind just wander off to a place within the music. A place where I don't worry about being accepted or not. A place that makes total sense. And every ounce of my body and soul seem to relax as Brian sings "I Melt" by Rascal Flatts and "Only One" by Yellowcard. I even let my eyelids drop closed until Brian's strumming stops. Then my eyes flutter open and I pull myself back to reality.

As the songs end, Shayla, one of my best friends and roommate, comes in from the kitchen to tell us she is going to bed early. Before she leaves the room, she gives me a knowing smile and quick wink. Shayla never goes to bed early. She will probably watch movies in her room late into the night just to give Brian and I some room. Bless that girl. She has a feeling the first kiss will happen tonight. And quite honestly, she could be right. I am trying to be pessimistic about it, telling myself it won't happen, but tonight Brian has been acting differently. I can sense something. Sometimes a girl just knows.

Brian puts the guitar away and then sits down next to me. I feel his arm find its way around my body. It feels nice. Just sitting here with him. He tells me stories about pranks he has pulled and in return I tell him some of my best prank stories.

"For a senior prank, me and some friends caught 4 raccoons and released them in the high school at night. Only the best part was that we painted numbers on their backs. We marked each raccoon with a 1, 2, 3, and a 5."
"Wait. . .so you skipped 4," I ask.
Brian smiles and nods his head.
I roll on the couch laughing. "So when they got the raccoons out, they were probably all pretty upset when they couldn't find raccoon number 4."
"Exactly," Brian says smiling from ear to ear.

We continue telling stories and such for about an hour, then the mood starts to change. Neither of us are so talkative anymore. And am I crazy or does Brian even seem slightly nervous? After a long pause, Brian moves in closer to me and whispers, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot," I whisper back.
"If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would it be?"
Oh great, he is setting me up. He wants me to say, I'd kiss you.
But I refuse to say that. Anything but that.
 But then I know that after I answer the question, it would only make sense for me to ask for his answer to the same question. And I know exactly what he'll say if I don't give him the answer he's looking for.

I sit silent for what feels like several minutes, wondering what I should say.
"Anything?"
"Yep. Anything," Brian replies.
"I'd learn to play the guitar better than you."
Brian chuckles, "Oh yeah?"
"Yep. That's what I'd do."
I turn and stare at the wall. I can feel Brian's eyes watching me. I know that it's my turn to ask. And after I ask, the kiss will come. The kiss that I've been waiting for. But this isn't how I wanted it to come. I wanted him to catch me off guard. I wanted the kiss to come out of nowhere. Not to be expected.
I glance over at him and nervously ask, "So. . .what would you do?"
Brian leans in toward me and softly says exactly what I had guessed.
"If I could do anything I wanted at this very moment, I would kiss you."
I sit and stare into his striking blue eyes, which stand out even more against his very blonde hair.
I just stare and don't say anything.
Finally Brian speaks again, "Would you let me?"

So maybe Brian didn't catch me off guard but I can at least still catch him off guard.
So I do.

"If you want to kiss me so bad, maybe you should just do it and see what happens."

So he does. He smiles a bit at my remark and then leans into me. His hand caresses my neck and his lips softly find their way to mine.
Adrenaline shoots through my body as I realize that this is the best first kiss I've ever had.
And that first kiss turns into a long string of kisses. A string of absolute perfect kisses that leave me feeling calm, yet very alive. When Brian pulls away, I find myself not wanting him to stop. But I know he's right when he says, "We should probably call it a night."
I walk him to my door, still feeling a bit lightheaded from all the kisses. He gently gives me another kiss before he leaves and says, "Good night, Kelsey Keller."

I go to bed that night feeling like the happiest girl alive. And the last thing I see before my eyes close is a text from Brian saying,
Thanks for letting me be with you tonight. And thanks for letting me kiss you :). 

* * * *  

My phone begins vibrating. Someone is calling me. I look to see who it is.

It is not Brian.

It's the other boy.

I pause for a moment, not knowing what to think or feel. And then I reluctantly answer. We haven't talked in weeks. Brian has definitely been a distraction from this 'other boy'. 

"Kelsey! I've missed you. Could I come over in like twenty minutes?" 

My stomach lurches. What do I do in this situation? There is a part of me that really wants to see this boy though. I really need to just let him go all together. We both know that a relationship would not work for the two of us. So by being with him I am wasting time. Harsh, but true. But the endless ups and downs, the way I go from hating him to being incredibly attracted to him, all of this makes me go back to him every time. Despite what a waste it is. 

"Sure, come over!" 

For the next twenty minutes, I pace the living room. I'm a nervous wreck. Less than 24 hours ago, I kissed Brian. And it really meant something. To me at least. And I think it meant something to him. And now I'll probably turn around and kiss another boy the very next night. Classy. 

There is a knock on the door. I notice my palms are sweaty. I wipe them against my pants and start toward the door. I pull the door open and let him in. He smiles slyly at me and immediately starts putting the moves on me. You wouldn't have ever guessed that we hadn't spoken in weeks by the way he's acting. He playfully pushes me onto my bean bag chair and laughs. I don't find it funny and I'm actually pretty irritated with how he's acting. He sits down next to me.

I look at him and think of how smooth he is. How incredibly smooth and I think of all the girls he has wrapped around his finger. And maybe I'm even one of them. That's when I realize not only is he smooth, but he is very selfish. Selfish and arrogant. And lazy. His poor wife will surely be the one that puts food on the table someday. She'll work and he'll play golf. A match made in heaven. And I know without a doubt that I'm not his match. 

Before I know it, he's moving in to kiss me. I feel totally uneasy. Yet I can't help but be tempted to kiss him back. So I do. I kiss him back. And at first, I feel sick. 

And after the sick feeling passes, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's the most hollow feeling ever. I decide to keep kissing him to see if anything will change. To see if any sparks will start flying. But they don't. 

And all I can think about is Brian. I think about how much better it feels to kiss Brian. I think about how I just want to be with Brian. I think about how sincere Brian is. And then I just want Brian. I want this boy to leave right now and I want Brian to come over instead. 

  

I guess all my thoughts about Brian are really affecting my kissing because the other boy pulls away and gives me a confused look.

"Is everything alright? You don't seem too into kissing me right now." 

I pull myself away from him and sit Indian-style. I stare at the floor, searching for the right words to say to him. But in these kinds of situations, rarely do I use the right words. So after pondering on what to say, I decide on saying, 

"I don't want to like you anymore." 

I do not move my gaze from the floor, but I can still sense that what I've just said has taken him aback, maybe even offended him. The room is full of awkward silence for several minutes but I force myself to not move a muscle. I can sense that he is now growing angry. Angry at me because he has been denied, and he's not used to that. 

"Fine. Stop liking me then."

I force myself to look at him but he is already getting up to leave.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm just being honest."

He lets out an irritated laugh,

"Kelsey, you can't hurt my feelings. We both knew this would never work out between us. You're way too liberal of a girl for me."

Too liberal?

Say what?

If too liberal means that I actually think for myself, then yeah, I'm much too liberal for him. He can find some other girl to fall at his feet and worship him. One that will do exactly as she's told. 

I crawl in bed feeling bitter toward men and tell myself that I'll never get married. But in the back of my mind, I think of Brian and kinda hope that he likes 'liberal' girls like me.